This week has been an emotional one for me, and not in a good way.
When I sit back and take stock of all the exciting things that are going on around me, spend time with my man and watch my 3 perfect blessings run around I KNOW that I am in a good place and that we are so very blessed to be in the space that we are in. There’s no need to list it, but I know I have over a thousand things to be so very thankful for. Actually tens of thousands of things. Or more.
But I sit there and still spontaneously want to burst into tears. I avoid looking people in the eye. I basically hide if you are a new person that I haven’t met before. My confidence is at an all time low.
The truth of it all, after not so much reflection but rather a relisation that every time I look in the mirror I want to cry – is that it is all due to the rash that has taken over my face.
I’ve mentioned before that I have bad skin (which is why I cut out all dairy and grain from my diet for the last 6 weeks). I know that to many people, the term “bad skin” just means some acne that doesn’t go away. In my case it includes that, but I also apparently have “dermatitis” (I had to call the dermie that diagnosed me with it over a year ago but only succeeded in prescribing me creams that clearly just made it worse). Basically it’s a rash that affects 1 in 100 women in the age range of 20 – 45. It’s defined by red lumpy blotches all over my face that often include small white pimples that are clustered closely together. It’s sometimes itchy and if I touch it there is a small amount of pain. Even wearing concealer AND foundation only just covers up the harshness of the redness, but despite it, it’s still so clearly visible. I’d show you a picture, but then I would have to kill you – the link that I put in there has some examples, except mine is quite evenly spread all over my face, with the cheeks being the worst off.
This has brought me to a place where I refuse to leave the house without make up – which means that my morning routine is at least 15 minutes longer, I enforce the deleting of any and all pictures containing my face, I keep my hair down and around my face in a poor attempt to hide it and just generally feeling hideous and miserable all the time.
When it was at it’s all time worst over the holidays Seth was so supportive and comforting. At lease it reassured me that he really does love me for more than what I look like. The other men in my life have kind of glossed over it, saying that yes it’s there and it sucks, but maybe it’s time to just accept it and move on. Am I so terribly superficial in not being able to move past this? Am I making too big of a deal about nothing?
Feeling like this and not being able to just snap out of it is making me feel weak and even more depressed. I just can’t seem to get out of this slump. No matter how hard I try and forget about it I still seem to see my face everywhere and get another reminder of how bad it is.
I have been vigilant with my diet over the last 6 weeks, hardly any cheats (really) and I just feel like I am doing this all for nothing. Denying myself the things that I want to eat, losing weight that I didn’t really want to lose, not feeling free to do what I want to do when I want to do it – all of it has been tough. And then for it to not even make any difference to anything is just so frustrating.
I have tried all the natural routes that I can think of, but now actually Googling the condition and not just leaving with a random name of a condition from the dermatologist office has made me realise that there really is no other option. I’ve had to make another appointment with the dermie which is on Friday – where he will hopefully just give me the meds and things that I need to clear this up.
Random question – most of you reading out there would be between the ages of 20 – 45, have any of you had to suffer with this condition as well? Or are they making up that 1 in 100 statistic?