Before I really get into this, I just want to have a declaration of sorts. I know most of you sort of know me by now and are familiar with my tongue in cheek attitude to life. And how I often say things in jest without really meaning them. It’s for comedic effect and also to just deal with my own feelings on it. Tis what it tis and all that. What I’m saying is, not everything that I say should ever be taken too seriously.
Except this. So to ensure that I’m not completely misunderstood, I just want to share a couple things with you. First up, children are a absolute gift and I am not in anyway taking anything away from that. I love mine to freaking death and I wouldn’t ever change having any of them around – obviously.
Secondly, I know that there many heart breaking stories out there from my fellow moms and moms to be where they yearn to be mothers. I’ve been there briefly and by the grace of God we haven’t been there for long. Having babies was easy for us but I realise deeply that this is not the case for everyone. I realise that this post may be upsetting in a sense for those who have not been able to have babies easily or at all. I’m obviously not aiming to be flippant about it, but I do want to share my story on it. Because my reality is that I already have three beautiful children and I’m not quite sure that I’m ready to have another one.
I don’t know about you guys, but after having 3 babies we kinda know how to make one now. Yes, we somehow forgot when just 3 months after having Kyla we were pregnant with Riya again, but still. We worked it out and now we are really good at not making babies but still enjoying each others, um, company.
Or at least, I thought we were.
Because a couple weeks ago I realised the my body wasn’t doing what it usually did around about that time. So I tried to figure out when the last time was that the demon tide possessed me and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. NO freaking clue about when my last period was. None. I’m pretty sure I looked like this trying to figure it out…
That’s the problem friends – having 3 little people expelled from your body doesn’t help your memory. I used to know why, but I forgot.
The thing I’m getting at here is that I was pretty sure I should be painfully breaking down uterine walls while stuffing chocolate in my face and complaining about being fat while shouting at my children and yet… Nothing.
And I’m sure you’ve been there at least once right? Tell me I’m not alone in this.
You immediately start thinking, but when? HOW? I mean we know how, but HOW? I can confidently say that we have not once had intimate moments without protection present. And not just present, in effect. In fact I’m like insanely pedantic about it. So freaking HOW? Are we one of those 1 in 36398309735986358578 people that get pregnant from the pre, uh, pre-juices that may flow before protection is used? (We like to slap the condom on at the last minute. Yes, we’re doing that. Don’t even get me started on Seth going for the snip because apparently hell will sooner freeze over than that happen!) Considering the fact that I can name each time our three kids were conceived, I’m guessing it’s kind of possible even though neither of us are as young and virile as we once were.
And that’s all I needed guys.
To have one thought about it being even remotely possible for me to basically start freaking the heck out while simultaneously decorating a baby room in my mind. Although there’d be no space for that in a campervan, that’s for damn sure. And what we do about all of our plans for the camper? Do we go anyway? Should we cancel the whole thing? Do we just wing it and give birth on the side of the road in Whoknowswhereville? Does the 4th child really raise itself? I guess we’ll put that to the test!
For about a week I was so sure that I might be pregnant that I even stopped drinking. I was that serious about it being somewhat remotely possible.
I even ended up at the Doctor (for another matter) and shared my inner turmoil with her. She offered me a pregnancy test and I declined. I don’t know why. Clearly just wanting to live in painful ignorance a bit longer – like an idiot. But then later, I was sitting at my desk pumping out emails like a machine when suddenly my right leg started to ache.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO HAVE THAT PAIN.
Yes, I know most people have sore bellies or backs or something actually near the uterus. My body is weird like that. I get an insane pain inside the top of my right hip down to my knee. It’s so unique that I immediately know what’s happening and I have never felt so grateful for that freaking weird sign of imminent change.
So after all that stress I am in fact not pregnant. Phew.
But how does that make me feel?
Obviously there was IMMEDIATE relief. I actually had a smile on my face as I walked back from the loo.
With the stress of living in a van for a year (no matter how awesome, it’s still stressful) I’m not sure I could deal. Plus going through being sick for 9 whole months again. (I mean that’s not a given but considering that’s how it was with my last two pregnancies, I doubt it would be better.) More stretch marks, my boobs officially then being doomed and trying to juggle three vibrant children. So much change to deal with. I’m not sure that I am actually able to do all of that at this specific point in our lives. Which means that yes, I am really flipping relieved.
BUT isn’t it funny how there is always a part of us that crumbles in sadness despite all of that?! A small part, a very small part in this case. But it’s still there. I had that little persons life planned out, or as much as you can plan out those kinds of things. It was sad mourning a life that never actually was. Especially as Knox is desperately wanting a brother. Just imagine being able to provide that for him?
Seth was not as relieved as I was. He’d happily have another baby without giving it another thought. Weirdly when we chatted about it, I was the one who had the babies life plan, but he hadn’t thought further than just being pregnant. Maybe that’s the difference?
Anyway, who knows what the future holds for us? Maybe one day this will all be real and then it will be different. But I’m glad that for right now, in this moment, it’s still just the 5 of us.