Oh so often we have had the conversation with friends where we beg them to have children… That might sound crazy, but there is a legit reason… That is that we will have friends our age with babies of the same age – good enough reason right? Three years ago when we were pregnant with Kyla no one else was interested, or thought that it was “not the right time” for them. Since then it has thankfully become the right time for many of them and we are so glad to be able to share the ups and downs of parenting with friends.
All of this got me thinking about how it is possible to know when you are actually ready to have kids. I suppose most people base it on age, finances, relationship status and other varying issues. We never really had the chance to decide when we were “ready” – it all kind of just happened… Yes, even Ri kind of just happened – you’d think we would have known how it all works by then (with Kyla only be 3 months old and all).
Now that we are starting to seriously think about having a third baby, I’ve been kind of panicked by the decision to actually start trying. Are we really ready to handle another bundle of joy? That being said, I have moments where I think I would totally love twin boys now – get it over in one go and have the benefit of having them close together too.
While pondering all of these things I remembered this email that I got randomly a long while ago. I wish I could credit the original writer, but I unfortunately do not know who that is. Enjoy…
10 Tests to Pass Before You Have Kids
1. Time and Money Test:
Practise for this test may involve the use of a pet.
- Pick up the newspaper, read the first line of an interesting article.
- Put it down and shout at your pet for picking up a toy that has suddenly converted into a weapon.
- Sit down and pick up the newspaper, find your place and just as you find it, put it down.
- Go and get the pet away from the plug points/beating their sibling/pulling over precious items etc
- Try and bring the pet back with you to where you were sitting and attempt to read the article with pet on your lap – this is ideal if your pet is a labrador.
- Decide that watching the news on TV is easier and that actually who needs to know what is happening in the world anyway.
2. Discipline Test:
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
- Methods of discipline.
- Lack of patience.
- Appallingly low tolerance levels.
- Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
3. Nighttime Test:
- Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 5-10 kilograms, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
- At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
- Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
- Set the alarm for 3AM.
- As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
- Go to bed at 2:45AM.
- Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
- Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
- Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for the day (start your day and be productive)
- Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Try and look cheerful and together.
4. Mess Test:
- Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
- Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
- Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
- Then rub them on the clean walls.
- Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
- Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.
- If this feels like home – you’re sorted!
5. Dress Test:
- Buy a live octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
- Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.
6. Vehicle Test:
- Go to the Vehicle Dealer. Walk slowly passed the Mini Coupers or Audi’s and gently caress them as you walk passed. Until your mid-life crisis you can forget about owning one of these.
- Buy a mini-van. Ensure you park it in a dusty spot – or for added effect – under a tree full of birds who just ate prunes. Smear little hand prints into the dust.
- Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
- Get a coin. Stick it in the CD player.
- Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle leaves and mud all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
- Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
7. Shopping Test:
- Go to the local grocery store.
- Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).
- If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
- Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
8. Feeding Test:
- Hollow out a melon.
- Make a small hole in the side.
- Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
- Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
- Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
- Tip half of what is left into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
- You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.
9. Entertainment Test:
- Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Winnie the Pooh.
- Watch nothing else on TV but CBeebies, the Disney channel or Robin Hood for at least five years.
10. Social Life Test
- Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
- Play this tape while talking to an adult of your choice.
- Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow.
- You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.