I’m not usually a feeler.
My emotions are normally kept under a fairly thick skin that regulates all the little feely things that I witness so often in the big wide World.
Look, I’m no robot, but it takes a lot to get me riled up good and proper. (Unless it’s my kids, they know exactly which buttons to push. Seth too actually.) Or overly emotional scenes like the Lorax coming back down from the sky and seeing the little trees grow again – let’s just say that my cry reflexes are strong and less willing to be controlled.
If you cut me off in traffic – so what? Unless you have caused an accident, it means more time that I can sit and sing along to the radio. You pretend not to see me in a shopping centre? No worries, best we save ourselves the awkward conversation you clearly don’t want to have. Any status on social media ever. Not everyone thinks about every single person they know and how their status will affect their individual lives before they post it. They shouldn’t have to because really, it’s not about you. Stop taking things so personally.
Even dropping my kids off after the holidays didn’t induce a waterfall of tears, or even one for that matter. Not that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the holidays, it’s just that it doesn’t really bug me. I know that they are happy and that’s good enough for me.
Life is too short to be caring about the things that don’t actually matter you know?
Anyway, back to feely things.
I met up with a few of my girl friends on the weekend and I had the conversation that I’ve been having a lot lately. Whether or not to have another baby.
If we met up for coffee I’d tell you the same thing.
“We’ve always wanted four. Yes it will be crazy. Yeah maybe I have lost the plot. I’m not really thaaat broody anyway. You know, I can actually hold a baby now without wanting to run away with it and keep it as my own forever, who even knew that was possible?! I know right – school fees are the MOST effective contraceptive. Plus all the other things they need. I still want to live comfortably without having to worry about money all the time, I don’t think having another baby will help that. And also, I was SO sick with Riya and Knox – I HATED being pregnant. Should I even mention what happened to my skin – oh my word. Yeah, I don’t think we will be having another baby.”
And yet I found myself driving home and feeling all the feels.
Hopeful that it was possible, panicked that it would really happen, worried about money, happy that our family would be “complete”, scared of the pregnancy, horrified at the school fees, nauseous at reliving morning sickness for 9 months, sad at the baby weight, joyful at Knox being a big brother. And despite all these haphazard mix of emotions I couldn’t help but feel a little hole emerging that I thought I had covered up.
A little baby sized hole.