Not Getting Any Younger

Over the weekend I started living up to the term “old and grey”.

I guess you could say that I started this a while ago actually, since I’ve been sporting the “grey” part of the statement for the last couple of weeks, but on Friday I crossed off another year of life and continue to plod along on the “old” part of it all.

Yeah, I totally get that 29 isn’t really “old” in the greater scheme of things but there’s something about being almost 30 that doesn’t want to compute.  I’m not really sure why though.

It’s not really that I don’t want to be 30 – in fact I think there’s a lot of peace that comes in your 30’s that you don’t quite get in your 20’s – a knowledge of who you are and what you want to be as opposed to who you wish you were and what others want you to be.  I’ve had a small sense of that recently and I’m enjoying being more accepting of myself.  It’s rather liberating and I’m hoping that this will continue as I fall face first into my 30’s.

I guess when it really comes down to it, the number freaks me out because as you get older you’re supposed to have it all together.

Do you remember looking at your parents and wondering how they just know everything?  Looking up to them being all in control and in charge.  Never mind the fact that they were probably feeling the exact way I do now.  Like I’m stumbling through it all, with no grace and very little ability to pretend like I know what I’m doing.

Sure, there may be a few times where I manage to pull my head out the sand long enough to seem like a cool, calm, collected adult who does plenty of adulty things, but no sooner have I pulled that off and you’ll find me freaking out about something stupid.

Also birthdays make me reassess where I’m at and where I want to be.  In all facets of my life.  Specifically friends.  I suppose it’s brought about when you sit down and write out a guest list of who you want to be there with you to celebrate your “special day”.  I think I’ve failed at friendship this past year.  Of course there is so much in life that I can blame it on and regularly do, but ultimately it comes down to me.  That in the crazy busyness that often consumes me, that I take time to make sure I put the effort into friendships that are important to me and not just let them wither with the passing of time.  So that’s my aim for this year.  Showing up – in more than just special events, for playdates and family braais, for random smses and useless snapchats, for sneaky coffee dates without the kids and late nights talking until we get that whatsapp from the husband asking where we are.

Ugh.  This is so not the kind of post that I wanted to write but I just can’t help but feel all the feels in situations like this and writing is the only way to get it all out.

Back to regular fun tomorrow 🙂