Marriage – When Living Together Isn’t Enough

I’m living in the same house as my husband but we haven’t had a proper conversation in a week.

Best week of his life, am I right?

Seriously though, how funny is it that you can live in the same house, eat at the same table and sleep in the same bed but totally lose touch with each other?

Surely this shouldn’t still be happening when we’ve known each other for so long?  I mean, if you think about it, we’ve been together for just over 12 years so you’d think that we’d have this kind of thing waxed.  In those 12 years, we’ve weathered many storms…

• The first year dating – Getting through that trial and error period of actually getting to know each other.
• A year long engagement – It’s a really long time to plan a wedding.  But we were young, so we needed jobs to put food on the table and a roof over our heads before we could actually walk down the aisle.
• The first year of marriage – “Are you just going to leave that there?” and 100 other passive aggressive questions that occasionally pop up while you’re getting used to living together.
• Having a baby – Enduring a tiredness that you never knew possible, surviving from feed to feed and in so doing being incredibly moody with each other.  Arguing over whose turn it is to do just about everything.
• Having another baby a year and two weeks later – Double everything except our ability to handle it does not happy people make
• The 7 year itch – That’s a thing right?
• Having uh, another baby – We’re outnumbered!!

But you know what?  We made it through all of that.  Not by sticking to a list of 10 Ways To Keep Your Partner Happy or trying new things in the bedroom or not having arguments.  We stayed together because we talked.  We talked about everything.  Our day, work, the kids, each other, friends, our bowel movements, the weather, movies, series, situations, decor and so much more.  We planned, we dreamed, we schemed.

Basically, we talked.  A lot.

It was easy though. We had no hobbies and so once the kids were asleep, we spent all that time together.  Connecting.  Even if it was over the love of a series.  We’d watch it together and dissect it afterwards.  Even if we didn’t, knowing that we’d spent that time together was enough.

And for the record, watching series together doesn’t just mean being in the same room in front of the same screen.  You actually have to be looking at the screen together.  For the love of all that is good in the World, don’t you dare pick up your phone.  Because you might as well be somewhere else.

Anyway.  What am I getting at?

Well remember when I said that Seth and I hadn’t talked in a week?  It’s actually rolled over into two weeks and I could feel the difference in our relationship.  I knew so little about his life and he about mine, that I could well have been married to a stranger.  The few interactions we did have were short bursts of formalities, “Hello”, “How are you?”, “What do you want to watch?”, “When will you be home?”, “Are you here for supper?” or words spoken to the deaf ears of a sleeping partner.

It’s not that the love was lost, but indeed it might have been forgotten.

Even when we found each other in the same room, awake, alone and without an electronic device in hand, I found that instead of throwing myself on him and making him see me, I withdrew.  It’s silly really.  But I suspect that sometimes our insecurities do that to us.  I guess that I was waiting for him to make the move, to show me that he missed me as much as I missed him.

We were in different spaces – emotionally, mentally and physically and I despised it.

The funny thing is that there was no one to blame.  It’s just that we’ve entered this new phase in our lives now.  I’d like to call it – “The busy”.  There is always something to do, a party to take the kids to, friends to see, blogs to write, gym to work out in, children to look after and like everything else too.

It’s so flipping easy to get wrapped in that.  To let it consume you.

If you’d talked to me about this about 3 weeks ago I would have said that we never have this problem – we always make time for each other.

But there you go.

Don’ let the busy get to you.  As important as “Me Time” is to most people, I would say that your marriage is probably even more important than that – for your spouse, for your children and for you.

Overcome the busy.

Like what you’ve read here?  That’s flipping awesome – feel free to share it with your friends.  Also come hang out with me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram where you can find us a whole lot of this – just shorter.  We share the normal things that life throws at us that aren’t edited and well thought out – just moments as they happen.