Here’s A Big Fat Chill Pill. Please Take It

Here’s the situation.

You’ve had a long day and to relax you’ve been chilling on the couch, scrolling through your news feed with your feet up.  You stifle a giggle at the meme about cats, then freak your kids out by laughing so hard at the guy that just keeps falling but never actually faceplants, when suddenly your eyes catch onto a thread.  What it’s about is frankly, completely irrelevant.  But suddenly you feel as though that person has throat punched you.

How freaking dare they say that milking a giraffe and using said milk to make banana bread is THE ONLY way to make banana bread!  I mean, everyone is doing it like that now.  Didn’t you know?  Oh?  What do you mean you’ve never made banana bread with giraffe milk?  Obviously the only logical deduction you can make in a situation like this is to assume that the giraffe milk chef is telling you that you suck.

But no, that’s not enough of an insult, actually we need to take this further.  They aren’t just telling us that you suck or that you’re not doing life right, they are in fact telling us that we’re doing life so wrong that we are no longer fit to make any food anymore.  That’s right, don’t you dare pick up that spatula.  You have no idea what you’re doing, you better get right out of that kitchen right now.  Right flipping now.

Ridiculous?  Of course it is.

This ridiculous analogy can be so many other ridiculous things that involve parenting.

You had your baby cut out of you?  Oh sorry, you’re not a mom.  You better shove that baby right back in there and start again.

You pushed that baby out of your nether regions?  Oh please don’t forget to put that important detail on every CV your privileged child will submit in the future.  Probably starting at 5, I mean they’re just so much better than everyone else because they had their head squished on the way out – stimulates the brain cells and all that.

You, no wait, I can’t even say it, you bottle fed your baby?  Well, you better march yourself right into a jail cell and be arrested for abuse, don’t forget to put your dumb child in nursery before you go, you heartless beast.

You used your fun bags to feed your baby exclusively for 7 years?  I’m sure you’ve already collected your award, so maybe it’s time to put their name down for Harvard – don’t forget to flash your boobs as evidence.

Do I need to say that I’m being super offensive and sarcastic on purpose?  Considering the fact that I felt the need to write this post at all, I’m going to go with a yes.  You know I don’t believe these things, I’m just regurgitating the crap I’ve read online in the past or things that I have actually had said to me by silly small minded people.

Guys I could go on and on and on.  While doing so I’d probably collapse at my desk after repeatedly stabbing myself in the eyeball with my calculator.  It would be a sad way to go and I feel like my kids might be slightly scarred after finding me dead in the morning.  Who would take them to school I hear them ask…

Sorry, back to the point.

Now, when you find yourselves in situations like this, I want you to do something for me.

Put down the device that you’re reading it on.  Take in a nice big breath, let it out slowly while simultaneously slapping your face a couple of times to clear your head.  Now picture a scenario where other people have had their own unique experiences that they might like to share on a social platform.  Picture them commenting about these isolated events in the context of them having only had this experience.  Now try and imagine that instead of assuming their comments were made only to upset you, consider the fact that are just ignorant of other situations because they’ve never had to live them.  Then, here’s the crazy thing, pick up your device and, wait for it, keep scrolling.

Easy peasy.

I feel like we need an example, my kids learn better through examples.  And even more so when that example includes chocolate.  So here goes…

It’s like someone saying Cadburys dark chocolate is the absolute best dark chocolate in the whole entire World.  We all know Lindt 70% dark chocolate definitely takes that place – no question.  In our rage to declare that Lindt is better, we forget that they have probably only tried Cadburys.

Sometimes people tend to accept that – not everyone can buy Lindt (because then there’d be nothing left for me).  But death to the person that has tasted both and prefer Cadburys!  How could they?  What’s wrong with them?

Nothing’s wrong with them, their taste buds are just different and that’s OK.

Instead of fighting about which chocolate to buy, you should get both and eat it together while crying over The Notebook.  That’s my kind of night!

Honestly, when are we going to realise that this crap doesn’t matter.  It really just doesn’t matter.

Do you love your kids?  Are you doing the best that you can for them?  Do you sometimes feel like you’re not doing enough, so you strive to do better?

Then THAT my friends, is what counts.  

Also, if you’re purposefully saying these kinds of nasty things knowing full well that you’re trolling like a chop, then I guess there’s no hope for you.  Shame, what’s it like being so sad?

Come hang out with me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram where you can find us a whole lot of this – just shorter.