Stream Of Consciousness

Have you ever had that moment when your favourite song comes on in the car and you pump up the volume to the max so that you can pretend that you are in fact Sam Smith in the flesh – but then as you start singing at full tilt, with such emotion that Sam questions his own range of emotional ability, you actually hear yourself in your own ears so loudly that you shock yourself into silence?

I’ve been struggling with a sinus infection that has blocked my ears so when I started belting out “Oh won’t you stay with meeeee“, I heard what I actually sound like to other humans and I thought about going all Silence Of The Lambs for the rest of my life. Granted, it’s not something I have just suddenly become conscious of, I’ve always known I was a terrible singer. Made extra aware that time I was singing with the headphones on and Seth stood in the background laughing so hard that I thought he may actually poop himself. But it’s something I was shocked back into remembering again. Seriously, it’s a voice not even a mother could love. It became such a thing for a while before we got married, that sometimes we would be driving along in the car and we’d both be singing to the radio when suddenly he would turn it off, then only I would be singing and then even though I loved him, I hated him in the moment and could easily have melted into a puddle of embarrassed mush. Or killed him. But I didn’t. Which he should be thankful for because I came close a couple times.

There’s so many things that I have like that, worried about showing too much gum when I smile, or smiling too broadly because it makes my left eye disappear into my face like it was never there. Not to mention the terror I feel when my t-shirt lifts up slightly in public or the way I feel when I have to talk in front of a group of people.

No really on the talking in front of people thing. My first oral resulted in me standing up in front of the class, starting to say a few mumbled, shaky words, then bursting into tears and running out of the room. It was a really great defining moment in my life. One I’m not sure I’ve recovered from. Going into high school I was forced to just suck it up and do it, but that didn’t stop my voice quivering so badly it sounded like I was about to burst into tears at any moment. We won’t go into too much detail about my violently shaking hands that even holding onto the podium, made the whole thing sound like a jack hammer.

Despite all of this I have found myself  willingly participating in two really public situations. One’s reading at my brothers wedding next Saturday and the other talking at the #CTMeetUp. Both things that I have knowingly brought on myself, but it doesn’t make the stress of it any easier to deal with. Maybe that’s why I have the tummy bug I have had for the last 4 days, it’s actually just stress? And I haven’t even lost weight. What’s the use of a good tummy bug if I can’t even drop a few kgs? Really though. I feel cheated.

But back to the stress thing. I know most of it is just in my head – everything is going to be fine. I know it will. Even if I burst into a tidal wave of tears reading at the wedding, it will be OK. It will all be OK. But saying it over and over in my head doesn’t lessen the amount of feelings that I have in my heart. They won’t go away. And the feelings are not just over those two biggish things that are happening. I’m riding a freaking rollercoaster of feelings about this little blog. Last year there were so many people reading, so many that every time I logged on it made my heart jump for joy. I know I didn’t start out writing for everyone else, but there’s just something about having people stop by and read what you have to say. I can’t describe it. Then everyone started talking about how blogging was on the way out and I was like, no way! Mine is going great. But this year? Where is everyone? My stats are pathetic. Have I become pathetic? Not worth reading anymore? I guess all bloggers feel this way at some point in their blogging career and I often do, this time it’s just hitting harder than normal.

Then justifying taking the time to blog if it’s not being read is hard to do. Time in the evenings that I could be with my husband or watching my children sleep. Just joking. Who does that? By the time they are asleep I don’t want to see their faces for a while. Except I do. So I peak in before I snuggle up in my own bed, just to make sure they’re breathing and stuff. And their faces are so peaceful that they might as well be little angels that have fallen out of the sky. I freaking love them to death but sometimes I really want to just give up.  This week has been especially bad. Being sick and all doesn’t help. It’s like they just work harder at pissing me off when I’m sick. Or maybe they’re like that all the time but I usually just have a higher tolerance level? Who knows. It’s probably both.

I’ve said before that all I’ve ever wanted to be is a Mom. As a little girl I remember playing with my dolls and imagining them calling me Mom. Even though it was all imaginary, my heart would swell up and I’d be filled with this incredible joy and love. I don’t think I ever feel that when they say Mom now. It’s funny how you imagine parenting to be all full of cuddles and laughs, and little hands resting on your chest as they fall asleep in your arms. But in reality you’re lying on the very edge of the bed and just when you fall asleep your little bugger kicks you in the head.

Look, I’m not ungrateful. I adore my children, more than I ever imagined I could. It’s just that I didn’t realise how hard you have to work for those really precious moments of parenting awe.

And that is where I’m going to stop this thought process before I bore you all to death.

Have a super duper weekend and enjoy those moments of parenting awe if you find them.