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3 Kids, 2 Dogs and 1 Old House

From Mom

Stream Of Consciousness

11 March 2016
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Have you ever had that moment when your favourite song comes on in the car and you pump up the volume to the max so that you can pretend that you are in fact Sam Smith in the flesh – but then as you start singing at full tilt, with such emotion that Sam questions his own range of emotional ability, you actually hear yourself in your own ears so loudly that you shock yourself into silence?

I’ve been struggling with a sinus infection that has blocked my ears so when I started belting out “Oh won’t you stay with meeeee“, I heard what I actually sound like to other humans and I thought about going all Silence Of The Lambs for the rest of my life. Granted, it’s not something I have just suddenly become conscious of, I’ve always known I was a terrible singer. Made extra aware that time I was singing with the headphones on and Seth stood in the background laughing so hard that I thought he may actually poop himself. But it’s something I was shocked back into remembering again. Seriously, it’s a voice not even a mother could love. It became such a thing for a while before we got married, that sometimes we would be driving along in the car and we’d both be singing to the radio when suddenly he would turn it off, then only I would be singing and then even though I loved him, I hated him in the moment and could easily have melted into a puddle of embarrassed mush. Or killed him. But I didn’t. Which he should be thankful for because I came close a couple times.

There’s so many things that I have like that, worried about showing too much gum when I smile, or smiling too broadly because it makes my left eye disappear into my face like it was never there. Not to mention the terror I feel when my t-shirt lifts up slightly in public or the way I feel when I have to talk in front of a group of people.

No really on the talking in front of people thing. My first oral resulted in me standing up in front of the class, starting to say a few mumbled, shaky words, then bursting into tears and running out of the room. It was a really great defining moment in my life. One I’m not sure I’ve recovered from. Going into high school I was forced to just suck it up and do it, but that didn’t stop my voice quivering so badly it sounded like I was about to burst into tears at any moment. We won’t go into too much detail about my violently shaking hands that even holding onto the podium, made the whole thing sound like a jack hammer.

Despite all of this I have found myself  willingly participating in two really public situations. One’s reading at my brothers wedding next Saturday and the other talking at the #CTMeetUp. Both things that I have knowingly brought on myself, but it doesn’t make the stress of it any easier to deal with. Maybe that’s why I have the tummy bug I have had for the last 4 days, it’s actually just stress? And I haven’t even lost weight. What’s the use of a good tummy bug if I can’t even drop a few kgs? Really though. I feel cheated.

But back to the stress thing. I know most of it is just in my head – everything is going to be fine. I know it will. Even if I burst into a tidal wave of tears reading at the wedding, it will be OK. It will all be OK. But saying it over and over in my head doesn’t lessen the amount of feelings that I have in my heart. They won’t go away. And the feelings are not just over those two biggish things that are happening. I’m riding a freaking rollercoaster of feelings about this little blog. Last year there were so many people reading, so many that every time I logged on it made my heart jump for joy. I know I didn’t start out writing for everyone else, but there’s just something about having people stop by and read what you have to say. I can’t describe it. Then everyone started talking about how blogging was on the way out and I was like, no way! Mine is going great. But this year? Where is everyone? My stats are pathetic. Have I become pathetic? Not worth reading anymore? I guess all bloggers feel this way at some point in their blogging career and I often do, this time it’s just hitting harder than normal.

Then justifying taking the time to blog if it’s not being read is hard to do. Time in the evenings that I could be with my husband or watching my children sleep. Just joking. Who does that? By the time they are asleep I don’t want to see their faces for a while. Except I do. So I peak in before I snuggle up in my own bed, just to make sure they’re breathing and stuff. And their faces are so peaceful that they might as well be little angels that have fallen out of the sky. I freaking love them to death but sometimes I really want to just give up.  This week has been especially bad. Being sick and all doesn’t help. It’s like they just work harder at pissing me off when I’m sick. Or maybe they’re like that all the time but I usually just have a higher tolerance level? Who knows. It’s probably both.

I’ve said before that all I’ve ever wanted to be is a Mom. As a little girl I remember playing with my dolls and imagining them calling me Mom. Even though it was all imaginary, my heart would swell up and I’d be filled with this incredible joy and love. I don’t think I ever feel that when they say Mom now. It’s funny how you imagine parenting to be all full of cuddles and laughs, and little hands resting on your chest as they fall asleep in your arms. But in reality you’re lying on the very edge of the bed and just when you fall asleep your little bugger kicks you in the head.

Look, I’m not ungrateful. I adore my children, more than I ever imagined I could. It’s just that I didn’t realise how hard you have to work for those really precious moments of parenting awe.

And that is where I’m going to stop this thought process before I bore you all to death.

Have a super duper weekend and enjoy those moments of parenting awe if you find them.

Stream Of Consciousness was last modified: March 11th, 2016 by 321Blog
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11 comments

Cassey 11 March 2016 at 3:58 PM

Maybe everyone went on a SM detox at the same time?

Reply
321Blog 14 March 2016 at 9:56 AM

That would be funny! But also not at the same time. Have you had the same experience?

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Kim Muller 11 March 2016 at 4:31 PM

I don’t have a singing voice either (which is so super sucky as I love singing along to whatever’s playing) but luckily for me, my hubby hasn’t made fun of me (to my face) lol. I say just carry on with it. You only live once lol!

Public speaking is not something everyone can do, so again, I understand how you feel. I have no advice though, so I hope someone can help you out or at the very least, you don’t break down and cry until you’ve finished the reading.

I am always checking in to see a new post. I don’t always comment though. I also check back often to see if you’ve replied on a comment I made. I think maybe more interaction with your readers would be great. 🙂 (Just an idea, although I know it means more time away from the family)

Being a parent is tough. It has it’s rewards but there’s a lot of stuff they don’t tell you about. (like the fact you might tell your 5 year old boy you’re going to snip his p3n1s off with a scissor if he keeps pulling his pants down and showing it off to others – I kid you not)

You’re doing great, Cindy. Sometimes, we overthink things when the simple answer is to just let it go and let life take you where you need to be.

Reply
Kim Muller 11 March 2016 at 4:31 PM

Ooh sorry for the essay 🙂

Reply
321Blog 14 March 2016 at 9:32 AM

Essays are always welcome!

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Kim Muller 14 March 2016 at 11:22 AM

Good to know 🙂 lol

Reply
321Blog 14 March 2016 at 9:36 AM

Thank you so much for your comment and I think you are totally right! I need to focus more on my comment replies – I always just thought that no one would come back to see if I replied so never bothered, but if you do I will totally make sure I get on top of it!!

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Trax 11 March 2016 at 6:18 PM

A lot to identify with and so much to comment on. But mostly just, based on your ctmeetups,you have everyone fooled about your public speaking fears. Nerves or not,you rocked it.

And PS. Had to LOL at your singing bit; our blogs seem to be vibing on that today. Always wished I had my sister’s voice.

Reply
321Blog 14 March 2016 at 9:31 AM

Ah thanks Trax! I think it might have a little something to do with the glass of wine I get to indulge in before it all starts!

Reply
Tamarah 15 March 2016 at 4:39 PM

For the singing, I totally get into it, too. Hubby laughs when I avoid the really embarrassing bits. He just says “Oh, you know you wanna…”

For public speaking, since I used to do it a lot, I find the following two options help: 1)I know everyone here, so it’s really just like talking in a group of friends, or 2) I never have to see these people again, so it really makes no difference.

I’ve got nothing on your blog stats, though, sorry.

Good luck

Reply
321Blog 16 March 2016 at 9:09 AM

I totally nail the embarrassing bits – but only when I’m alone in the car or I feel like torturing my children 😉

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After living a very normal suburban life we packed up everything to live in a VW van for a year as a family of 5. Now that we have traveled our beautiful country we are back to normal but trying to remember what it was like to live with less, spend time in nature and build on our family bonds. Join us on the journey.

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