You know those times where technically everything is all right in your World, but you can’t help but feel dejected and miserable because one little thing is going wrong? That’s me right now.
So I do this thing that everyone seems to do in situations like this – I keep reminding myself of all that I have. It’s supposed to make you feel better or put life into perspective or something. Which means I start mentally ticking the things off the check list: good health, great husband, supportive family, healthy children blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO freaking grateful for every single one of those things and I try my hardest not to ever take any of them for granted.
But…
The thing is, I have been struggling for a long time. Some of you, that have been following along over the years, will be familiar with my issues. Many of you suffer with it too. Any idea what I’m talking about?
I hear you, I hear you – “Cindy, stop being ridiculously cryptic and spit it out already!”
OK.
I’m talking about my skin again. I know, been there done that right? I also know that I have come a long way from what it used to look and feel like, to now. Technically, I should count my blessings, slap on a little (let’s be real – a LOT of) make up and move on with my life right? I mean, just not looking like this any more should be enough. Right? RIGHT?!
But it’s not.
Because little by little IT’S COMING BACK.
Every morning I have to look into the stupid mirror and all I see is more and more skin being converted into whatever the hell is wrong with me. Although it’s not this bad again yet, all I see that red, pimple covered face. It’s as burned into my eyeballs as my actual face used to burn with the pain of it.
As a result I literally feel terror rising up inside me every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. All I can think of, is that history is just about to repeat itself again. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up, look in the mirror and instead of just imagining this face being my current face, it really will be like that again. Seriously, I feel like if I keep going the way that I am now, it’ll be as bad as this in a few short months.
I’m ashamed to say that I cried all the way to work this morning. Why am I ashamed? Well, I’m ashamed that I am letting something so completely and utterly cosmetic affect me so deeply. I like to think that I am not a shallow individual but sherbit, maybe I am.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to sort it out. I have almost gone blind on roaccutane (TWICE), I religiously apply my prescribed creams and lotions and we spent a small fortune in dermatologist fees. For what? It’s not getting any better, it’s just getting worse.
So, what do you do when you feel like you have reached the end of the line?
34 comments
Aaah Cindy…. my heart breaks for you. I’ve told you before, I had terrible acne in my early 20’s….. I’m talking carbuncles and boils and cysts all over my face and neck so I hear you. Mine was also painful, it was butt ugly and it hurt all the time and it wore me down, it got harder and harder to feel nice and to feel good about myself knowing what I was hiding under 10 layers of foundation.
So you’ve tried the dermatologist route and it had limited success.
Perhaps there is an underlying issue causing the acne? Perhaps the medication is treating the symptoms and not the cause?
My acne was as a result of a hormonal imbalance…. once that got treated (with the use of the Pill) the acne went away. It took about 6 months.
There are also some great cosmetic treatments you can have done that can help, Laser therapy, acid peels, etc, don’t give up yet, there is still a lot that can be done.
I’d even go so far as visiting an allergy specialist, perhaps you have a food intolerance or allergy that is causing skin flare ups? I’ve learned that my skin is very easily affected by what I eat.
I’m here if you want to chat to me, you have my number. Call me, we can throw around some ideas. I know this is hard, I know it wears one out, I know it hurts and it’s embarrassing and you feel ugly and like you have to hide from the world.
I know.
{{{hugs}}}
Thank you my friend!! I really appreciate it!
Who did you use to figure out that it was as a result of hormone imbalance? A normal GP or dermie?
Im sorry you have to go through this I have had really bad boughts but at least they are temporary but I see the pain my middles son goes through with bleeding eczema all over his body and it is terrible sometimes even through all the creams and treatments and dietary changes and its not vain to not want to live in pain or be comfortable and feel beautiful at all hun, I really hope you can find a solution other than roccutane to help, I highly suggest Lushs dream cream to help with the redness and pain it really helps
It really is so frustrating to cut things out of diets or spend thousands on creams when none of it actually yeilds results. SO frustrating!
Oh Cindy – it is not stupid, it is not ridiculous and it does affect one deeply – it’s the same as overweight or tooth issues etc. It is important, you can feel bad about it. I do hope it will reach a point where it does get better for longer. Lots of love
Thank you xoxoxo
Have you tried a homeopath, had severe eczema on my face and after trying a impossible amount of dermatologist, dr digby helped me, it cleared in 4 weeks and have not had a breakout since
I went to a homeopath a couple of years ago because i wanted to try the natural route before I went the drastic route of roaccutane. But he told me that I need to talk to my inner child and resolve issues there before it would get better and I just couldn’t actually believe it and so I left haha
Aww Cindy I feel exactly the same as you,I’m older,just turned 34 and over the past year I’ve developed acne and it’s just getting worse. It knocks your confidence I know it does,even if everything else is fine as you say and I also scold myself for getting upset about it but I can’t help it. I’ve had to wait six weeks for a dermatologist app and tomorrow is D-Day.I hope yours doesn’t get worse hun,thinking of you!xx
Oh man, I’m so sorry that you are going through this too! But I hope that your appointment tomorrow goes really, really well and that you get help to fix it!
I agree with you Jennifer . Cindy my skin was worse off than what you have pictured. I found something from my dermatologist and it worked! Until it stopped, then I was right back to ground zero with my skin. Those harsh chemicals thin out your skin, which means you skin is working extra hard trying to renew itself, hence not being able to dea with the actual reason that you started using the cream . What helped me and I’m not saying it will work for Everyone is apple cider vinegar, coconut oil and olive oil. I no longer use any form of face washes or creams. I dilute water and acv keep in in a spray bottle and use it as a cleanser or toner. I use olive oil as a wash and I use coconut oil as a cream . I drink a teaspoon of acv every morning and I do the coconut pulling once a week. It’s been 3 years without a skin episode! Thanx to this approach. If u feel you need or want a soap, get a hand made soap with no chemicals in, go for tea tree. Use raw organic oils and apple cider vinegar . Cut out or minimize dairy and go check out your hormones as well. Hope this helps. Gezelleturner@gmail.com if you have any other questions .
I feel your pain 🙁
My acne has also not disappeared, and there’s no way in hell I’m going back on Roaccutane
I know right! Just the thought makes me cry!
Cindy I really am sorry. Don’t downplay it, that horrible panicky feeling that lingers with you day and night is exhausting. It sounds like Sharon had some super advice! What about your Gynae – would they be able to help with hormone balancing? A friend highly recommends her Homeopath for balancing her hormones? Whichever route you choose, or whatever treatment you get, know that you are strong and beautiful and 100% capable of conquering this. xx
Thank you Debs – your comment means a lot to me! I am busy trying to see when my gyne is free so that I can chat to him about it.
Cindy, skin issues on your face does make you depressed. I should know, and the amount you spend on products and treatments that don’t work is even more depressing. When my face flares up I always think “I’m a flippin’ adult! My acne should have ended years ago.” …. It is frustrating. I can honestly say, do your research girl. Roaccutane and the likes doesn’t work for everyone, and there are sooooo many options out there. And you have every right to grumble. From what I can see you’re a great Mom and that’s the important thing. No one is perfect.
Thank you Debbie! I am definitely going to look into it a bit more – there has to be a cause. I just need to find it!
I’m insulin deficient and it has made parts of my body dark and dirty looking… esp my neck, I know all about feeling so terrible about your appearance and then feeling terrible that you let yourself feel terrible. MY dr actually told me my constant scrubbing was making things worse… you are not being silly, you are allowed to have your emotions- I honestly hope they find something to help you with this so you can feel as beautiful as we all already think you are.
Thanks Ella – I think the only people that really understand are people that have similar issues. I’m so sorry that you are oging through that too! It must be really hard to deal with, did they give you any kind of solution for it?
You are such a beautiful person, Cindy. I also have a major physical problem in my life which no one seems to be able to fix … a damaged neck which gives me endless headaches. I know how it feels to be at a loss as to what to do. It is frustrating and depressing. The medication I take has made me put on 20kg! Eeeeeek! I was always the skinny girl 🙁 But on the other hand I literally can’t cope without it. At the same time the Lord is my joy and my strength …. and I am not going to let this stupid thing rob me of the joy of enjoying my kids and my family. I really hope you find some strength and joy too … just know I understand how you feel
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.
Oh goodness. I feel your pain. I also struggle
with bad skin at 35 and I also cry about it and get depressed. I wish I could not wear make up on some days but I can’t bear to look at my ugly pimples. I have also tried everything, dermatologists, products, diet etc. and not much works and if it does work not for long. The only thing that makes me feel better is reading your blog posts about your skin issues as at least I know somebody else is going through the same thing and gets equally depressed about it at times. Hope you feel better soon.
Hi Cindy
I haven’t had such severe skin issues myself (though I have been on roaccutane too in the past!) but I have become more and more inclined towards alternative stuff in recent years. I was wondering if you’d tried oil cleansing? (http://www.crunchybetty.com/nitty-gritty-on-the-oil-cleansing-method) Or cutting out all chemicals that make contact with you skin (soaps, shampoos/conditioners, deodorants)? I am currently trying some samples of all natural, chemical free skin care products from these guys – http://skinfoodapothecary.com/ and so far I’m finding them pretty good. Also cutting out all sugar, processed food, grain fed/antibiotic filled meat/poultry, going organic and supplementing or juicing? I see someone above recommended oil pulling, which is also worth a try.
It sounds a bit extreme but if you haven’t tried this kind of stuff it might be the next step if you feel you’ve reached the end of the line… (plus, most of it consists of lifestyle changes that should make you feel fantastic once you’ve transitioned, so there’s not much to lose)
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a series of Acleara therapy at the Derma Clinic and it worked like a bomb. I’ve never been happier with my skin.
Shame…sorry 🙁
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Cindy. I have no advise but hope you can find a solution soon.
I have no advise to offer other than to speak to your gynae about getting a work up done on your hormones. Perhaps your testosterone is too high? Also a lot of the girls have suggested a good homeopath which might help but know going into it that it takes a lot longer for homeopathic remedies to work.
I feel this way about the added weight I’m carrying so I totally get it.
Hang in there – if you keep digging you WILL figure out what the root cause is.
xxx
I’ve also been on two courses of Roaccutane that didn’t work and had eczema in my face 🙁
For the eczema I actually got a homeopath that fixed it (if he suggested anything like your one did I would’ve ran far away), and no medications or anything he just made me keep a food diary, and from that determined my problem was cheese and salt. Cut it out completely (really completely) for 6 weeks and never had eczema again. But according to him each person will have a different trigger. Nowadays if I go on a cheese binge I can feel the places where I use to get eczema start burning, but then I just eat less cheese.
For the acne I’ve been to GP’s, dermatologists, beauty therapists (and tried all suggestions from family and friends). I still don’t have great skin but what I have discovered is if I use any product that has sunscreen or that is marked as being hypoallergenic my skin looks like yours looked before. Of all the dr’s I’ve seen nobody has ever suggested that sunscreen could be the problem. Now I’m not saying that sunscreen is your problem, but it might be something that you wouldn’t think could cause a problem. I’ve heard from people whose washing powder caused breakouts. But besides that I also agree with Sharon’s suggestion.
Cindy I cannot begin to try understand how you must feel, I don’t struggle with it myself but I am currently trying to be the support to my husband who is struggling with severe skin issues, it had cleared up but now is also back with a vengeance and we have no idea why or what to do now. What we are holding onto is the fact that God is solidly in control! Nothing that happens in your life is not specifically ordained by him, it is his plan that you go through this, he is molding you into who he wants you to be and he uses these painful, devastating things in our lives to do that. All the while he’s walking beside us and he loves you so much. We cannot understand why these things happen but we know the God who does. Praying for you Xx
Cindy you are absolutely gorgeous and I know Seth tells you this often enough!
Just out of interest do you use any face masks? I know not everyone’s the same but I have found that with using my lush mask (mag amity) regularly my skin has never been better and I’ve been prone to have shitty outbreaks myself.
Still the fact remains you’re a real hottie!
I feel your pain! I can tick all your boxes and more… I finally resigned myself to being the adult with acne…
I was introduced to the Isabella Garcia range by my sister in law, and thought what-the-heck I have nothing to lose and started using it! While me skin isn’t 100% clear, and I cant ever go without my make up – I now use a light BB cream and powder and it looks almost flawless! It is loads better than what it ever was, and the postman can see me without make up…
Let me add that I am coloured so all those years of pimples have left ugly black marks too on my face that are now slowly fading as a result of these products. I also came off the pill so now I get the 14day flare up prior to starting but its relatively mild, in comparison!
I would honestly recommend you try these products for a few months – like me you also have nothing to lose!
All the best Cindy – sending you lotsa hugs!
Hi Cindy, sorry to read about what you’re dealing. As a fellow sufferer who’s tried it all, I know how much acne sucks. I remember reading something about your going to Skin Renewal – will you be posting about that? It’d be great to hear more about your experience. Love your blog!
HI Lynn! I’m so sorry that you too are going through this horrible thing. I am going to Skin Renewal and hoping to start my treatment process in the next week or so. I’ll definitely be posting about it as soon as I’ve been for a couple of sessions.
Yay! Thanks, will look out for it.