“Hey Mom, can I please have this delicious looking sweet that my friend gave me in my party pack?”
“NO!”
“Please, please, please, please, please, please can I have it?”
“NO!!”
Conversation repeats itself until I have threatened to take away all privileges, any hint of fun and maybe even life itself.
The truth is, I find myself saying NO to almost everything.
It could just be because they ask me to do ridiculous things on a regular basis, but still, I find the word NO coming out of my mouth at least 25 times a day. A simple question of “Can I wear a short sleeve dress with no jersey today?” will get a big fat NO, because it’s freaking raining outside child, can’t you see that?! Or “Can I play with water and make mud while wearing my school uniform?”, uh, NO! because duh! “Mommy, I’m huuuuuungry, can I have a banana?” NO – it’s 10 minutes till supper time.
Those ones are logical. But what about the ones where I just say no because, well, no!
“Mom can we please play with the marbles?” NO. Why? I don’t know. Except that I know that I’m going to be finding marbles all over the freaking place for the rest of forever because they don’t know how to pack away. Or “Can Kyla and I PLEASE sleep in the same bed tonight?”. NO Why? Uh, well, um, because I said so.
Do you know how much it sucks to be a NO Mom?
I’m always the bad guy, saying NO to snacks and treats (because they get more than enough at school and Granny). Or NO to doing the fun stuff even though it makes perfect sense that you can’t play in the sprinkler on the windiest day since hurricane Matthew. Or NO to the request to leave the table until after they’ve finished their vegetables.
It sucks. I’m tired.
So on Friday night the girls asked me if they could have a “sleepover” with each other in Kyla’s bed. Both sleeping next to each other. Usually my default would be, well, you know, NO! But I said yes. Because I’m trying this new thing where I don’t automatically think that the worst will happen but rather of all the fun they’ll have and the memories they’ll make. Then I apologised for always saying no. So then obviously Kyla said, “Mom, you should make a sign that says ‘I say NO’ and put it on your door, so then everyone knows that you say no.”
And I was all like emotional and stuff because I don’t really want my children forever thinking of me as the Mom who tried to reign them in, to protect them from doing stupid things and stopped them from having fun that would hurt them in the long run.
Except that I kinda do.
Now I’m stuck trying to find the balance of saying yes to the things that don’t matter (like sleepovers, tents, playing in the sand and other fun stuff) but still making sure that I parent my kids by saying NO where it matters. It’s not easy. Like any facet of parenting really. It’s never easy. But I’m hoping that in the long run, they’ll turn into decent humans and we’ll still have a pretty good relationship at the end of it all. We can only hope.
Do you always say NO like me? Or are you a cool YES Mom?
21 comments
I often get told by my close friends that I’m too much of a control freak and I think that’s where my “NO” stems from. No you can’t have a banana before dinner makes perfect sense as you say…but really, who cares if they skip dinner for that night?! Well…I care because I prepared dinner for them. And no to staying up late?! Well, just NO because okay, just because. When really, it’s because mum has a routine and after you sleep, I’m going to start cooking supper for the next night! So I guess (other than for the obvious ones like you mention), my friends ARE right, it IS the control freak in me. But recently, I’ve started to be more relaxed and it’s made a world of difference 🙂 Probably easier with 2 kids than 3, but life it too short!!!
So with you! The food, bed times and like obvious things are all still non-negotiables for me. Mommy needs her peace and quiet some time or she will go crazy on your ass.
Oh yes – I’m with you on that!!! But somebody gave me advice about marriage a very long time ago…”don’t sweat the small stuff”. So what if your husband doesn’t pick up the clothes on the floor and you need to do it for the 100th time, or he doesn’t wash the cup he drank in etc. I find that the same sometimes applies to kids. Not all the time, but I’m starting to use that in a lot of situations with the kids. So what if they spend 15minutes running in the sprinkler and supper is half an hour later because they first need to bath?! So what if they don’t pick up their toys and they’re laying around on the table in the lounge, at least they had a good time playing?! So what if they have toasties for dinner because I didn’t feel like cooking – they’re happy, stop beating myself up 🙂 You get my drift!!
YES! I’m with you – I like this approach. A lot. But the control freak in me just can’t be still. I’m thinking how they’re going to get sick with the sprinkler in the wind and whatnot. Ugh. I need to work on this!!
I’m also the no mom. Always thinking about how I am going to have to clean up after them, how I am going to have sit with the sugar rush later on, how I am going to have to deal with the (fill in the gap here) and dad sleeps/relaxes/watches tv. So yeah, it sucks big time but I need my sanity too. We do, however, have yes days. Where anything they ask for (within reason – and this means they won’t be harmed/maimed/killed in any way if I say yes) gets a yes. Want to run in the rain? Sure. Want that last marshmallow after you’ve finished the whole bag? Go for it kid. Chuck out the lego/throw out the big box of cars/bite your brother (I just don’t want to hear about it when he bites back). These days don’t happen very often, but I think they need to know I can say yes too, you know.
So with you on that! How decide when to do a yes day? A day that you wake up with an unnatural amount of energy? haha
Lol I usually decide on the yes day the day before. When I get on my own nerves for saying no too much. When I feel guilty for saying no so often. When I just feel that the kids are kinda not asking me for anything anymore because they know I’m going to say no. Then I have the rest of the night to mentally prepare for just letting go 🙂
Ah, this makes sense – I’m totally going to try it. Do you announce to them that today is a yes day? Or do you just happen to say everything they ask?
I don’t announce it. I don’t want them thinking about the ridiculous things they could ask for if they know I’m going to say yes to everything. We all normally have a much better day than the ones where No is said often. Please let us know how your “Yes Day” goes when you try it 🙂
I think I’m going to give it a try on Sunday when we go to Bugs. They’ll never know what’s hit them
Oh my gosh, I feel you! I hate being the “no” mom… I will try harder to take a step back and to think about what and why they are asking before just saying no.
Great post!
So with you, sometimes it’s just the default answer to anything, sometimes I haven’t even heard their question. Feeling so guilty but at least there’s enough time to change it. 🙂
I have really concentrating on thinking of other ways to let them make the choice to do something or not. Like. Mum, can we run in the rain in our school clothes I will say: What do think will happen if you do it and does that seem like a good or bad idea or did you know it is Monday? What will you wear tomorrow if your clothes are wet etc. It helps them to start thinking of the silly questions they ask.
This is true! I love that approach. Although the post gives a bit of a wrong impression (it was intended to be a bit tongue in cheek), I do follow up the No with a valid reason/question/alternative. Or I try to anyway.
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Hi, you sound bad ass and evil – I want to be like you 🙂
But I think it’s good that you want your kids to have fun, to be kids.
So yes to saying yes sometimes.
My kid is 11 months, throwing tantrums and not talking yet, so I let her get away with things.
She laughs when we say “no, kaka”. Help!
Haahahaha, it gets easier as they get older. I was also pretty relaxed when they were very small.
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