I’ve been struggling through some thoughts these past few weeks, so I thought I’d share them here. As I do.
It’s mainly about confidence. Like, how do you teach your children to be confident when you struggle to look at your self in the mirror every morning? How do you teach them to be able to walk into a room and feel OK when your natural reaction to the same thing, is to feel so sick you may puke into your purse before you’d actually work up the courage to talk to anyone.
For me these issues stem from childhood, before I even had skin issues.
I have ALWAYS thought too much about what other people think – even though I don’t like to admit it. When I was younger I couldn’t even order my own food from a waitress or pay for things at a teller because I was too afraid to make a mistake. It was so scary that I’d make my brother do it. Talking to new people was a no go and don’t even get me started on talking in public. The fear of messing up and having people laugh at me in my face (or worse – behind my back) had me paralysed.
Somehow through meeting Seth, becoming a parent, progressing in my work and starting this blog, I’ve worked through a lot of those issues. In fact I’ve worked through so many that I’d even go so far as to say that I’m a fully functioning human now – I don’t think I could have said that if I’d continued the path that I was on.
What I’ve learned over the years (and many of these awkward encounters) is that no one is perfect. And this is better than just OK. If everyone were perfect it would be so freaking boring that I’d want to punch my eyes out. I love the quirks of my friends – the ones that fall asleep on our couch because they’re comfortable (and maybe we’re a little heavy handed with the wine). I love the friends that speak their mind because their filter is a bit wider than others. I love the friends that can walk into my messy home without flinching because they know their home is just as messy.
Being perfect sucks, being real is what I’m after.
SO back to “how do we teach our kids to be confident” when we’re not naturally that way inclined. How do you do it?
Well, I think you fake it till you make it.
That’s what I’m doing anyway. Every day I’m faced with something that I’d rather not do. From talking on the phone (why is this still a thing we have to do), to standing in front of a crowd at the #CTMeetUp and welcoming them, to even facing my worst fear and going to embarrass myself on TV (yup – the whole family and I are going to be on The Weekend Edition on SABC 3 on 22 January – EEEEEK!!!).
I’ve learned that being scared to do things is normal. And doing it anyway takes confidence that I may not always have readily available. But so what? If I mess up, I mess up, because the other thing that I have learned is that it’s not the end of the World. No one really cares and even if they do, being a person that can laugh at themselves is way better than taking yourself too seriously.
So to help my kids, I tell them about things that freak me out and how I did them anyway. I tell them how scared I was but how well it turned out. How nervous I was feeling but how awesome I felt afterwards. Letting them know that these feelings are normal may just help them to move past it sooner than I did.
And so that leads me to pushing my boundaries and sharing my story with Abigail K. I’m over many things that used to keep me back and here I chat about the one thing that still gets me down. If you haven’t watched this video yet, then here’s my story…
I think it’s hard to share these kinds of personal things so openly and yet so many of us face the same feelings every day. If sharing any of these things online has taught me anything, it’s that we’re not alone. There are so many other people in the same boat.
Here’s to be honest with our children and raising our kids to being more confident individuals.
12 comments
Oh my word! These are the most gorgeous photos ever!
I also still struggle with confidence. A was such a shy child – in grade 1 she could hardly talk to someone – she almost whispered So we enrolled her in drama – by the 3rd term I could not believe my eyes when I saw that hugely confident child on the stage. I am sure this will not work for everyone but I can certainly recommend it for some children
I’m so with you – my parents enrolled me in drama in primary school too and it really did help to make me feel more confident
You’re completely right, Cindy, it’s totally a fake-it-til-you-make-it deal, even before you have kids. I was so shy growing up, that I eventually turned to aggression as a defense mechanism. I was so afraid of people/being wrong/humiliating myself that I was rude and obnoxious to almost everyone. Needless to say, that strategy didn’t win me many friends.
I eventually moved schools (again, the 8th of 9), and decided to turn it around. I was consciously nice to people, and tried to interact in a friendly way, even though it opened me up to a lot of vulnerability.
Recently, I left a job that I was in for 5 years, and one of the most rewarding things was hearing from SO MANY people how I had been one of the first to make them feel welcome in a new place/job. It meant that all those years ago, my intention to be nicer, to be kinder and to be more welcoming, was real now. I had faked it until I don’t have to anymore – it’s really just how I am now. I still seize up in the presence of new people – it can still take a little while for me to warm up, but I know that it’s an issue, so I watch myself closely until I can relax.
It’s so crazy how faking it actually DOES make it. That’s also something I want to teach to my boy, except for now, he seems not to have very many confidence problems. But I suppose that comes from being a VERY cute 18 month old who everyone loves 😉
Thanks for your posts, they always get me thinking 🙂
Our kids are very similar to yours, they seem to be OK in normal situations but seem to seize up in public etc. I’m so glad that you have had the same experience of faking and actually making it in the end!!
Wow! I would have NEVER expected this Cindy. I was tearing up with you. I would never have guessed you had confidence issues through High School. You were this fierce hokkiebokkie and so so gorgeous (still). Thank you for doing this. I couldn’t have been easy because you’re dealing with such deep personal issues but you’re also spreading the message that confidence can be achieved. I’m at a point where I need to get to the beach with my son as often as I can because he loves it so much. I haven’t been in a cozzie in public in literally years! But what will I be teaching him if I’m sittin on the shore because I’m embarrassed about my dimply bum and mummy tummy. He honestly couldn’t care-he just wants to splash about with his mom in the sea. That’s it. Now I’m proper sobbing.
Thank you, you phenomenal woman!
So with you on the beach thing and being in the moment with the kids instead of just settling in on the sidelines to watch. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
It’s so awesome to find that we are not alone. And so bizarre that we believe that we are the only ones feeling these things. I am with you on so much of what you said, and have come a long way, yet many of these issues still linger for me. I am so interested in how we teach our kids to see themselves as lovable and acceptable as they are, instead of trying to fit some idealised idea of who they need to be. If you have a moment, check out selfcompassion.org. Dr Kristin Neff’s research is so interesting and has made an impact in my own life. Basically it identifies the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion , and how by being kind to yourself, you nurture yourself. You are able to celebrate your wonderful self, and also give yourself kindness when you fail. Self-esteem is about plotting where I am in relation to everyone else, and often falling short. I see so many kids and teens who have an internal dialogue of blame, and I often challenge that by asking if they would say some of those things to their best friend? Sorry, Cindy – I could ramble on about this for hours. Watch her Ted talk – powerful stuff!
I’m definitely going to check this out!! Thank you so much Lynese (and we really need to get that parenting chat going!)
One of my favorite movies as a kid and still now is The King and I with Yul Brunner. In the beginning Anna is nervous but hiding it and she sings a song called “Whistle A Little Tune ” – basically she whistles, pretends she’s fine, then realises that she is. That has stuck with me for years- if you pretend or act that you’re comfortable and confident then everyone will believe that you are.
I love this! I haven’t seen the movie but maybe I should watch it with my kids.
Such a great post Cindy – and so important (especially when raising girls) x
This is an amazing post, inspiring too. Love ur post!