The other night we found ourselves kid free and so we did what we normally do under those circumstances and ran out of the house to do something adult.
In this case it meant going to a fancy-ish restaurant where we could have a full conversation without being interrupted. We were nestled next to each other, sipping our drinks and waiting for our food when Seth declared, “I want another baby.” Obvs my reaction was that he was just saying this again to mess with me (because it’s a conversation that we have at least once or twice a month).
But he wasn’t.
He totes wants another baby.
Like really.
For those of you reading this that have always had broody husbands, I can see you not understanding why it’s a big deal, so let me explain. I am the broody one. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted ALL the babies. If I could have had a honeymoon baby I would have. I COULD NOT WAIT to have babies. Lots of them. I dreamt of being pregnant and planned our baby room before we even got married. Am I being clear enough that I wanted babies? Right, moving on. In all that time, Seth obviously wanted children, but he was in no way broody. He could go on with or without kids.
And now he is broody and I’m not at all.
This is a pretty big deal for me because I know that feeling of so badly wanting a new little person and not being able to have them. I feel like I’m denying him.
So for the very first time in about 5 years, I sat down to really think about having a fourth child.
(Because, let’s be honest here – ever other bit of pining I’ve done over the last 5 years was just because I knew we were not doing this again and never actually seriously considered having another kid.).
This is what I’ve come up with. A rather in depth list of Pro’s and Con’s:
PRO’s:
- Seth is broody and wants this kid. I too feel like they would “complete” our family, which feels like a big reason.
- Knox would have someone to play with when the girls are being all girly and “old”.
- We’d have another awesome member of our family and we’d officially be DONE done.
- I’d get baby snuggles whenever I want them.
- Maternity leave
- I feel like we may have the time and the energy for them now but the window on this is closing. It’s like a now or never sort of situation.
- I’m already not drinking alcohol because of my skin, but this would give me an extra (and better) reason.
- Great boobs – even if it’s just for a short season and they’ll probs look even worse after
- The baby clothing is just SO much cuter now than when my kids were little. So having the chance to dress them up in it will make me feel less cheated on that front.
CON’S:
- School fees – enough said (and don’t even ask, I’m not the stay at home mom type – my kids would learn NOTHING).
- We’d need a bigger car which we can’t actually afford and I don’t want to drive.
- No one else would be able to take our kids anywhere at the same time unless they took two separate cars (we’re super strict on car seats) and that just seems like a lot to ask. Which puts our afternoon babysitting out of the question and will probably end all future outings with family.
- The end of date nights for the foreseeable future because again, 4 is a lot to look after – especially overnight.
- Maternity leave but still having to work while juggling a newborn and three other kids! No thanks.
- We’d say goodbye to sleep even though we’ve just gotten used to having it back
- I’d gain another million kgs now that I’m just starting to feel like I’ve gotten myself back.
- I vomit all the way through the NINE months of pregnancy – so um, no thanks
- My skin would freak the flip out (historically this is what originally prompted my break outs that never cleared)
- I’d have to like, feed them and stuff – babies are hard work.
- We’ve given away ALL our baby things, so we’d be starting from scratch again.
- All our kids have a tiny gap between them, but this kid would have a FIVE year gap between Knox and them.
- I want to go to Europe next year no matter what so there may even be a 6 year gap – eeek.
- We’d probably never be able to travel with them or do lot of outings etc, because it’s already expensive with three but four will push it over the edge.
- And maybe most worryingly of all, I’d have to change the blog name!
There’s a lot more negatives than positives, which freaks me out quite a bit and makes me feel like I have made the right decision in not opening myself up to the prospect of another baby. But then, can you really put all these negatives as a price on a perfect little person? I mean, I’d certainly do it all again for the three I already have but where do you draw the line? Once you have them, you would never regret it. But does that mean that you let go of logic and just take the leap?
SO I am still left with a mountain of unanswered questions. Maybe you can help me.
Do you have four? How does it work for you logistically? If you decided to stop having kids, why? Do you regret it?
67 comments
Do you really want my answer? Lol. Where did I put that sharp filleting knife. Hmmm… Practically and affordably 2 was our limit.
HAHAHA thanks Mom
Well we’re one and done, and it works for us, so I can’t speak to wanting baby number 4 😉
The stopping has no regrets at all. It was easy for us, J and I were both right we’re done after the first week or so of K. It’s not something that will change, and it’s for much of the reasons on your con list. Also we’d not be able to give a second kid all that we’ve given K. I couldn’t stay home with that baby for 2 years. And right now I know I’d really resent the time – and sometimes the kid – needed for another kid. As it is, I feel as if I barely get to be me, and right now I’m following my academic dreams, there’s no room for another person in our family.
Not to forget that J is also done. Sleep is starting to work out for us. K is becoming more independent. Oh, and we don’t have anyone to help…so two with no help means even less J and I time.
Just go with what works for you, Seth and your family. What the rest of us thinks doesn’t matter at all.
These are all legit reasons and it’s great that you are both on the same page about it – it certainly makes it easier
Dude, I am currently expecting our fourth! Mind you, our “first 2” are from other parents (Chris and I entered our marriage with a kid each), but still… the 4 schoolfeeses (is that a word?) struggle is REAL! I’ve also like, played it all out in my head… no more alone time, because I really cant expect baby sitters to deal with 4 kids, less money because children are not cheap, etc etc.
BUUUUTTTTT at the end of the day, we both just knew in our hearts that our 4th little Williams would complete the circle. Its just something that you KNOW in your heart. Im sure when we see our newest little buggers face, that it would allll make sense and the PRO’s would far outweigh the CON’s in every regard.
(Also, the boys are older and they have each other, so it just made sense that Karis needed a “friend” of her own. So I get that. ANNNNNND, most importantly, I’ve always wanted to have a BIG family Christmas, one day when my kids are older… so consider it an investment towards my future Christmases)
It’s like your comment is reading my mind!!! I know when I look at that little kids face, the cons won’t matter even a little bit and that feeling of four completing the family is SO real for me!
Honest opinion? Please dont hate me for saying this? But…
Due to global warming, over population and the general state of the earth a lot of women are deciding not to have kids. I kinda feel like having 4 kids is a slap in their face. I want 2 and even that is making me feel selfish.
I’m honeslty scared for the future and that Ben will be growing up in a dry, polar bearless, filthy word where you have to kill for a drop of water. Dramatic I know. But its seriously why worst fear.
But it the end each to their own. Do what feels righy for you
This is so true, I didn’t even think of all that! I know our World is struggling with the people that we have on it, nevermind adding more to the mix. That’s why I have thought of the adoption route, then we’d just be bringing a new family member into the fold that would otherwise have had a potentially awful life. Ugh, all these things to consider!
We have 3 kids, 2 dogs and 1 old house and had this debate often before kid #3. My hubby’s argument is that what the world needs is more people who can take care of the world and less who abuse it. As two engineers we figured ur children will be smart (no modesty here) and… they ARE and are already recycling, making plans and solving the worlds problems.
Cindy – then you can also erase all the pregnancy related cons on your list ?
I’m baby number four with a 6,8 and 10 year gap to my older brothers. It worked for us. Of course there were sacrifices that my parents had to make, but I don’t think they’d change it (I hope!).
I don’t think they’d change it at all. But do you feel like you had/have a good relationship with your siblings? Your gap is pretty much what ours would be.
We have great relationships. Two of my brothers live pretty close and although we’re all married now, they (+their wives) are practically our best friends. Obviously there were the normal sibling fights, but otherwise I don’t feel the age gap was a problem at all.
LOL i’m a one kid mom. Hats off to you with 3. You like super mom in my mind. 4 would take you into off the charts super duper mom…. or crazy? Hey i’m a mom of one so cant really say more . heeeheee 🙂
You’re probably right on the crazy Mom thing!!
3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 old house and then the twins arrived. IMAGINE 😉
LOL exactly!!! I would actually cry.
I know how you feel! We have two (5 and 3) and my husband wants another one…like really really wants another, but I’m 50/50. I want to, but I don’t, but I want to. Urgh! My Pro’s and Con’s are the exact same….help!
It’s SOOOO hard. Especially because there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s not better or worse to have more or less, but it’s what works for your family. I’m pretty set on just 3 but I keep wondering if I’m making a big mistake.
I’m on two and soooooooo broody. I also want ALL THE BABIES but I don’t have a Seth. I have a very practical Ash, nuff said. It’s still under negotiation I hope but the unfortunate thing is the age gap is already 6 years and getting bigger the longer he lags.
Yeah, it’s a weird thing to navigate isn’t it?! With the partners expectations and wants mixed with your own.
I never got to make a choice, I had to go through a LOT of treatment to have my 1, and I would have had a tribe if I could have, just because it is so so awesome being a parent, and watching those amazing creatures grow!
I always encourage everyone to do it, because in the bigger picture, lots of the concerns are temporary. And maybe it’s just because I didn’t actually get a say… I’m also all about living without regrets, one day when you’re sitting on the stoep, not wondering why you didn’t try again…
This is one of my biggest fears – that I will regret it when it’s too late to do anything about it.
I’ve always loved the idea of four. I have my pigeon pair & I adore them as they are – but I expect I will always long for another babe. Unfortunately, it would be financially irresponsible for us to grow our family any more (but I like to hope that, if circumstances changed dramatically, perhaps…!) The practical considerations are real, but it’s really only yourself & Seth that can determine if they can be overcome. You wouldn’t regret having another, I’m sure (and the world will gain another freaking beautiful child!) but life would be both fuller & more difficult xxx
I’m so with you on this!! I feel like it would actually be irresponsible to keep going.
I can say regarding age gap’s me and my sister are 10 years a part. But financially it would be very expensive pre-school fees and varsity are the most expensive. No one can really give you the answer it’s depends on each family, but that was my first thought regarding your blog name! 🙂
LOL, yeah the blog name is a real problem 😉 And you’re right, it totally depends on the family and the situation. We’ll just see where it lands here but I doubt very much that we’ll have another.
Hey Cindy
Happy Holidays
Just this morning we spoke abt the same thing whilst struggling with those nasty newborn winds. I turned 40 last week and last month I gave birth the my 3rd child.
Before the birth my husband and I also had a long chat about baby nr4 as Dr enquired abt sterilization option etc. We both decided that we want a 4th baby but will revisit that decision in 2 years.
Your concerns are valid as there are so many factors to consider. Luckily you are still very young and have support from family unlike us. We are totally alone in this, no family or friends to help out, but we make it work for us.
I have a 7 year gap between nr1 and 2 and a 2y6m gap between baby and nr2. The big age gap is a blessing and my kids get along very well.
So if you are considering baby nr4, you could still go travel, invest in a good 7 seater SUV etc, or revisit that decision in 2 years?
When I fell pregnant with my 2 year old I immediately made travel plans and toured throughout Europe and London for 28 days as I knew that won’t be possible for the next couple of years once baby is born.
All the best & thanks for great inspiration!
XMas Blessings
Faz
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Faz! I love hearing about positive relationships where there is a big age gap, that does make it easier!
I sometimes ponder having another baby (Amber is 6 and Zach nearly 4)… my top concerns are usually school and varsity fees, 9 months of sickness, and strangely I always wonder if I am being selfish, if this world needs more kids, what will life be like for them in 20 years time? This also leads me to thinking about if I really want a baby whether to adopt… Adoption fees are another story, but no hospital fees I guess? Agh I’m probably not helping.
You could buy a 7 seater, and trade cars with your in laws when they have all 4 kids? Xx
I’ve also thought about adopting because then it rules out most of our issues (except like the expense of adoption, school fees and a second car), but still. Seth’s not as keen though which doesn’t help. Ugh.
Hey…I have four kids (6,4,2 and 10mths) and loving every bit of it.its is extremely hard work but to wake up to those 4 faces I would not change for anything…imagine when they are all grown up all the fun you will have as one big family,Christmas’s , outings…I always wanted a big family though. Good luck with your decision,you’ll know what to do ?
I feel like you’re speaking my exact thoughts! That big family around for Christmas vibe is something that I have always imagined. Man oh man, this is hard!
So, 4 kid mom here. We had 2 boys exactly 2 years apart and then really weighed up whether to have a third or not. I am like you – always wanted to be married and have kids, and never felt I was done. We actually wrote out a pro’s and con’s list too! Of course the financial and time aspects were huge, but we decided to go ahead anyway. And guess what, we had TWINS!! Huge shock, I cried! The age gap between them and the older boys is nearly 4 years and nearly 6 years. Thank goodness for the bigger age gap or I couldn’t have coped! We had to buy a bigger car, and the expenses are huge, but do you know what? We have never not been able to feed or clothe our children, and our hearts have expanded to love 4 children! And hopefully I will have MANY grandchildren one day! We are lucky in that the grandparents are willing to look after them all, and we leave them our big car and take their small car when they babysit overnight. Good luck with your decis ion – you do make beautiful babies, it would be a pity to stop now!!!
You all you’re going to get here are opinions right so here’s mine.
Not that mine really counts because it’s not really like I could just pop out a third or fourth baby after having sex, so there’s that! *smile*
But….. we had an opportunity to adopt Hannah’s half sister a couple of years ago and turned it down.
Here’s why:
Both Walter and I felt like we had a responsibility first and foremost to the children we already had. The life we wanted to offer them and we just felt that by adding a third child into the mix, we’d actually be taking away from the two children we already had. In terms of what we could offer them, quality education and the life we envisioned for them.
For me it was a very difficult decision because babies are so squishy and cute and you can’t but love them. But the hard reality is that children aren’t raised on love alone and we just weren’t in a position to stretch ourselves further.
All the best with your decision.
Thanks for weighing in friend! I hear on this quality of life thing and it’s a big concern for me too. Though, I’m wondering if we’ll cope just without like, international holidays and that kind of thing. Which I never had growing up even though there were only two of us and I was pretty ok with it. It always seems impossible until you actually just do it.
You know what they say (‘they’ being random people who think they have something to say)… “if you’re not sure then you’re not done”… (kinda made sense to me).
I do think the adoption factor, environmental factor and many of the comments above all pretty insightful. Babies babies babies. We do love them… 4 is another league. Wowzer. But you’d rock it.
I had to be selfish and decided on ONE, considering my age… My sanity had to prevail…and besides, how do know that it will be another boy?
Sylvia, I hear you on this! We have no control over the next one, which makes it harder to decide.
Great post.. Loved reading it from beginning to end… I have a pigeon pair. My boy is 2 years 3 months and my baby girl is 3 months… Its crazy but I enjoy it and wouldn’t have it any other way… I would love to have 4 more kids if I am physically and mentally able.. Will take it one at a time… It amazon how God opens the way for you to provide for your kids.. Jump into it and I am sure you won’t regret… My sister in law has 6 kids… The eldest is 9 then 8, 6, 4 and twins were last – 2 years… Its so much fun and they play together and have each other as friends
This is exactly what i want – that big family, everyone gets on and has a great time vibe. It sounds incredible!!
Wow, I only have one daughter and shes turning 7 In March. Quite honestly i am worried as I am 32 with only 1 child and I come from a huge family. I have 4 siblings with me we are 5. The cons outwit the pros for us. My biggest fear is what if financially we will not be able to provide the best for the new baby or our daughter if we do have another one.
But that is just our opinion 🙂 Its really down to what you and Seth wants 🙂
Hey Sophia, this is a huge concern for me too. Did you find it hard growing up with so many siblings?
I am a mom of 3. A girl of 13 and 2 boys 11 and 8. No 3 was a suprise but a good one! But due to financial and logistical reasons ,as you have duly listed above, we opted for a tubal ligation straight after his birth. Have i thought about and really wanted a fourth? Sure! Each time my nieces were born! Over the years i have thought about it time and again but i dont regret the decision we made then.
I think that’s the key though, that you don’t regret it. That it’s felt like the right choice for your family. I’m so stuck because I have no idea which one is the right choice for us. Ah, why is this kind of thing so hard.
do whats best for u and ur family 🙂 and its a decision u will never regret if u do decide on baby no 4
You’re so right Stephanie!!
Hi Cindz. As you know, I had baby number 4. ( After a 9 year break). Your mom may kill me for this. I was 37 when Sami was born. Her siblings were a great help. I too had 2 girls (the twins) then 4 years later, Steven (surviving twin) and my reasoning was I had to ‘replace’ the one I had lost. (When I say replace I don’t really mean that, because we can never replace a lost baby) Anyway our plan was to have another son. Enter Samantha! She has been a blessing beyond words! All 4 of my babies are miracle babies and I will tell you my story one day. So my vote – pray about it and GO AHEAD! Don’t hit me Dawn!
LOL!! My Mom is defs going to kill you, but I hear you on this. I know it will work out ok if we do do it – I know that we’d never regret having the child and that they’d be a huge amazing blessing, but I can’t help but feel terrified of taking the leap!
Every day I wish I had had a 4th child…. you will never regret it and will always make a plan with finances etc.
Angela you’ve expressed one of my biggest fears, that we won’t do it and then regret it forever!
hard for me to say much as i only have baby #1. that said, i’ve been told that each extra baby is more than one more, it’s like, double or triple the work just because yo have less and less time for yourself, etc. but really, there isn’t much that can outweigh baby hunger – whether yours or your husband’s. if you go ahead with it, you won’t regret it, but will you be able to give your kids as good a life as you are able to now? School fees, car seats, toys, books, extra murals… the list goes on and on. I want to be able to send my kid to varsity, to summer camps, to pursue whatever her dreams are, which is why the financial stuff will always be an important part of my procreating decision.
good luck thinking your way through it, and don’t worry, you just need to get another dog and an extra minibus or something and the blog name can be 4 kids, 3 dogs, 2 cars and 1 old house. 😛
LOL!!! I freaking love that bog name 😉 It fits so well hahaha, although adding a baby and a dog might just be a bit over ambitious 😉
But you’re right, the financial aspect is definitely part of what’s holding me right back.
Go for it! I’m only on baby number 1 and hoping to have 3. Even though financially it won’t make sense but in my heart it feels right. You will make it work somehow.
Elana you are so right! You always make it work and you never regret having them, so maybe we should give it a shot! Eeeek
I have a pigeon “square” 2 girls, 2 boys. You have an enviable part-time own business work set-up, and grandparents to help out. Go for it! Your family will just be even more beautiful.
This is exactly what I want – the pigeon pair squared! If only we could plan it 😉
you could try avoiding sweet things, eat “clean”, and conceiving slightly after ovulation. But ultimately, it’s in God’s hands 🙂
I just know that in 2-3 years time, I am going to be searching for this post and its outcome. Hubs and I have always wanted three children and we knew at the birth of our second that our family was not complete – we have also often spoken of a fourth as since having kids, we have loved every second of it all! Now currently pregnant, I wish I could say I would do it again but after 5 months of intense vomiting and HG and being in hospital (and losing half a year of my life), I just KNOW that I could not do it again…
Trust your gut and your heart sweet friend – you will always make it work!
x
Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough time with this pregnancy! It reminds me of being sick with Riya and Knox, and yet despite that I’m still considering it! Crazy!
Cindy, you have so many opinions and thoughts and I’m sure you’re still confused. Here’s my bit….
I also want another baby, our third. And my husband is dead set against it. Or at least he was. He has been wavering a bit (not much unlike you are). I am trying not to push it and to leave this decision to him. Although I don’t want to hate him for the rest of my life because he didn’t want another baby and I don’t want him to hate me for the rest of his life because I forced the issue for another child.
My pros and cons list is stuck in my cupboard (which I first left out for him to read) with a little note to myself. I still want another one and my heart is ready for another body to love on. Finances will sort itself out, or we’ll work harder and sacrifice a bit more to make concessions. You have an amazing support structure and you guys make beautiful children.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone says to you, what their advice is or whether they’re dead against it because of various reasons. I say sit with Seth and discuss your worries and fears about having another baby. Be honest and open about how you feel. Maybe chat to the kids and get their feel for how they’d like another sibling, somehow. Your decision will be the best one for YOUR family.
Good luck!
You are so right Kim. It’s been very helpful hearing everyone’s opinions though. It’s always comforting to know that I’m not in this all completely alone.
I always wanted a 3rd and hubby was happy with 2. Nevertheless I fell pregnant albeit a happy blessed “I’m pregnant ?” surprise. We can’t imagine our life with her crazy personality.
Nevertheless there has been some cons
The cost of travelling with 3 (we live in England) has been to much to bare. We haven’t been home for almost 2years now. We’ve decided to return home for good this year. I’m worried about the cost of it all but it will all fall into place. I so feel complete with my 3 girls now.
You would never regret having a 4th child but you may regret not having another child. South Africa is such a wonderful child loving place & you have a great support system re family why wouldn’t you ?
You raise some very good points and although I can easily adopt that approach, I think we’ve decided to keep it to three for the time being. But who know what will happen in the years to come?!
This is such a tough decision. I am DYING to have a third, I have been for a full year now and even decided to forge ahead on my own (obvs not on my OWN OWN as there’s some of the hubster that I’ll need ;-)) without him as he’s dead set against it, but then I just couldn’t make such a big decision by myself full well knowing that he doesn’t support it. I’m a firm believer or what will be will be though. Financially draining – yes, maybe…okay, probably. But having a bigger family and having more kids is surely so much more rewarding than worrying about finances?!?! So what if you have to eat bread and butter every day, it never killed anybody. Okay, schooling is another big financial consideration but just maybe the older ones can home school baby number 4, hehe, kidding!! Good luck coming to a decision xxx
I know what you mean! I can totally convince myself of this, easily. In fact I did. But I think for now we’ll have to keep it to three.
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