Marriage: Staying In Touch

Is it weird that I talk about our marriage so much?  Maybe it is.

Look, I know some things should just stay off the web.  Possibly things like worrying about having sexy time in the camper.  But I figure if we go through up’s and down’s and have to rethink how we approach different phases of our lives, then maybe y’all need to too.

I heard about a marriage counsellor that said that he’s had 7 marriages.  But with the same woman.  And that’s because with each phase of life comes a new approach to the marriage you have.  Engaged and excited about new life together.  Newly married and adapting to life together.  The phase of newborn babies and a tiredness you’ve never known, the list obvs goes on.  So maybe it’s worth talking about even if it can be a bit awks.  Because the intricacies of marriage are a bit awks sometimes.

However it’s important to note that though you may catch me talking about some weird things, you won’t catch me talking in a way that’s going to break down our relationship, but rather in a way that’s going to make it stronger.  More intentional.  I really don’t believe in talking negatively about our partners to our friends or in public (i.e. social media – the breeding ground of negativity and discontent).  I know it can be tempting as hell to do it when they grate your cheese, but it’s not helpful to you or your relationship, so maybe cut that out.  Or don’t.  I’m not telling you what to do.  Except I am, so cut it out.

Wow, I have completely digressed.  As usual.

What I really wanted to talk about is staying in touch with our partners

Not in the sense of connecting on the daily with actual words said to each other about life – although I have spoken about that too, it’s important yo.  Or even regular date nights were you get to chat about things other than the kids routine or whatever.  Although there is a very real sense of deception that “date night” brings out.  It’s never all candle light dinners, sweet murmurings of everything you love about it each other and intense bed rocking.  No bra, it’s more like finding food in your hair while you grab a quick bite before the movie that you’ve wanted to see.  Which one of you falls asleep in.

I mean staying in actual touch, touch.

So a while ago I wrote about how annoyed I was that all the books I read are about brand new romance.  The intense feelings and emotions that go with getting to know each other.  That all the books I read about long term relationships basically end with one of them dying in a really traumatic, sobfest kind of way.  There doesn’t seem to be an in-between.

In fact I saw a tweet about this a little while back and even though I searched for it, I couldn’t find it.  It was something like…

Young adult book idea: Married with three kids living their best life.

Young adults – HELL NO

New idea: Young girl falls in love with unlikely hero, have to go through intense life change – fall deeply in love.

Young adults – YES PLEASE

It was something like that although the original writer actually articulated it like a funny person and not how I have butchered it there.  But the thing is, it’s true.

No one wants to read about successful, happy relationships.  I just proved that to myself when I read A Court Of Frost and Starlight.  Unlike the three books before it, it was just about happy life and I was so underwhelmed I almost threw it away.  I got the happy that I wanted and realised I didn’t want it.  Not in book form anyway.  Real life yes, obvs.  But not in the books I read.

BUT here’s what I did realise… (I actually have a point here)

All of the three preceding books were all about that new romance.  At first I wanted to vom in my mouth at some of it because it was just so over the top.  But then I realised it wasn’t.  That really was how it was early on in our relationship too.  We couldn’t get enough of each other.  We want to touch each other all the time.  Hold hands, kiss for no reason, snuggle on the couch.  Guys I even regularly fell asleep curled up in his arms (I couldn’t do that now if you paid me).  We literally could not be separate for longer than we had to be.

However over time that changes right?

I think three kids hanging onto me all day every day for the last NINE years contributed to this, but I don’t really enjoy being touched anymore.  Does that sound weird?  Whatevs.  It’s how I feel.  And I’m a bit weird so it’s OK.  I don’t feel the need to touch or be touched in anyway, from hugs to holding hands or anything really.  In fact when someone tries to hug me when I’m not ready I actually feel violated.  Even Seth or my kids.  Like, just appreciate my bubble people!

What I realised recently through reading these books, is that just because we have been together for so long, it doesn’t mean we have to chill on the touchy feely front.  Because even though it’s not important for me, it’s hella important for my man.  He thrives on touch.  Having kids has not dampened this.  At all.  And I’m sure that you may have a similar situation with your man.

And I’ve known this for years.  But I’ve done nothing about it because I’m a selfish asshole.

Until now though.  I’ve started trying to reignite that part of me.  The part that wants to have a random snuggle.  Or a sneaky smooch.  Or even just holding hands while walking along or drive in the car.   Touch, touch, touch.

It was a bit of an experiment if I’m honest.  Just to see what would happen.  I thought it wouldn’t do anything.  But guys…

I’m loving it.  It’s actually so great to have that physical connection as well as the mental, emotional and situational one that we already have.  And really it wasn’t even about Seth.  Not really.  I knew he would love it (and that’s been very clear).  But it was about me.  I wanted to change the way that I feel.  And I feel so much closer to Seth and I can see that he appreciates the fact that I am trying.  It’s not like I was unhappy before, but this has opened up feelings that I have forgotten.  And it’s flipping great.

So what am I getting at?

I don’t know where you guys are at in your relationship.  Whether you’re still being puked on at all times of the day and you fall into bed every night before passing out.  If you’ve got teenagers telling you that it’s gross to smooch in front of them.  If you are so busy at work that you are passing like ships in the night.  But wherever you are, maybe it’s worth sneaking in a little smooch, an unexpectedly long hug, a holding of hands when you’d usually just sit next to each other.

Let me tell you, it’s so worth it.