For the last couple of months I have been flitting through emotions like a crazy person.
I can’t tell you how many times I have reacted (or passive aggressively NOT reacted) to a situation and then sat down afterwards and asked myself if this is what going crazy feels like.
I’ll go days where I’m totally fine and then suddenly for a couple of days I will want to crawl into a ball and never emerge. I’ll shout at the kids when they don’t deserve it. I’ll not discipline them when I should because I actually couldn’t care at that point. I’ll cry upon waking up and seeing that instead of being home with me, my husband is climbing up a mountain with his friends. I don’t want to climb the mountain, but I can’t be happy for him climbing the stupid mountain. What the hell is wrong with me?
There is absolutely no reason to be feeling like I do. None at all. If I had to list everything that is going really well in my life, the list would be endless. So what the actual heck? Is this what being depressed feels like? And why the hell am I depressed?
Anyways.
It got me thinking back to when last I was feeling like this and it hit me as I stared at myself in the mirror.
My red, patchy, pimply face stared back at me and I realised that I am back to feeling ugly, unworthy of affection and just plain awful about myself. Back to hiding my face in pictures, back to thinking that my husband can’t possibly want a woman so messed up, back to teaching my kids that they have to hide their faces under layers of make up to be happy.
Obviously since going on Roaccutane it is vastly better than it was before, but it’s coming back with a vengeance. I’m so beyond being over it, it’s not even funny.
Unfortunately there’s no happy ending to conclude this post with. I don’t feel like trying to paint this whole thing with a rainbow glitter brush and force a learning moment or a positive twist, there isn’t one.
All there is, is a person in need of a new solution before she goes legit crazy.
18 comments
Girl, I love you forever. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better so virtual hugs will have to do till I see you soon.
Hey Cindy. I know how you feel and some days you just can’t blame it on PMS (but hey we’ll take that excuse if we need it). Just remember it can take up to 3-5years for the side effects of Roaccutane to wear off (one being that it does effect your mood). My skin is still super sensitive and 2 seconds of sun turns me pink- 4 years since I went off it. And as much as it sucks I’ve had friends who’ve been on 3 rounds of it. Stay strong because you are beautiful!
Listen, I struggled with really bad acne for a few years between the ages of 19 & 21, so I hear you, I totally get why you’re feeling down about it and not feeling good about yourself.
Have you been back to your DR? If the acne is returning after a course of Roaccutane then there is something else causing the acne that needs to be addressed first.
{{{hugs}}}
I know I need to go back, I’m just terrified of having to do another round of the stuff. But I’ve just made the appointment – no backing out now!
It will be worth it in the end Cinds! I landed up having to have 3 acid peels after finishing treatment to get rid of the marks and scars and even though it was really painful and inconvenient ( the aftercare ) it made a HUGE difference to my frame of mind! xx
Hi Cindy! I also found my acne coming back after finishing my Roaccutane treatment, and my doctor put me back on on Roaccutane but a much lower dose which (this time) kept the skin looking great. She then encouraged me to slowly reduce the dose until I no longer need it. When I first went on Roaccutane I took 2 tablets a day (not sure how much that is), and now I’m down to 2 tablets a week. The side effects are now minimal and I’m happy… hopefully soon I’ll be off it completely. Hopefully that’s encouraging for you! Sending love 🙂 xx
Hitting the big three-oh a few years ago was the start of problem skin for me. I’ve always had clear skin so this was (and still is) a big thing for me. Adult Acne sucks and made me want to disappear. Still do at times. Fortunately Yasmine has been my saving grace.
Let’s hope it’s your hormones playing with your feelings rather than depression. Hormones makes us feel and do all kinds of crazy.
Strongs and virtual hugs.
Thinking of you… I know what it feels like to feel worthless and ugly.
All I can offer is prayer, I will certainly keep you in mine.
And try to remember that God loves you more in one millisecond, than anyone else can in a lifetime!
1 Peter 5:7 “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
xxxx
My post today is all about this as well. I’ve been feeling so down. And it’s so irrational. I know I have no reason to feel like this, but I can’ shake it. So I’ve decided to embrace it. http://wearethehumans.co.za/on-feeling-a-little-blue/
I totally understand how you are feeling. I feel the same way MOST days and still have not found the solution to my problem, mine happens to be slightly different in a sense where its to do with my weight, ai. I get depressed constantly seeing myself in pictures, I wonder what happened and what went wrong. But I feel completely disconnected. I refuse to embrace my more rounder self, I hate it. I hate how I look at the moment and how I feel. And when I gain weight my skin also does weird and wonderful things.
I break out, at all random times, my face turns into a grease ball (my makeup slides off) but yet the rest of my body goes as dry as toast.
This thing of getting older is SO NOT FOR SISSIES hey!
Nonetheless sending you lots of hugs and love from Stellenbosch, you are an absolutely beautiful WOMAN, WIFE AND MOTHER both inside and out!
Ai honey, it’s aweful to be feeling like this and whilst I don’t know exactly what you’re doing through, I know how having a bad self image can REALLY impact you in a really negative way. You’ve made the appointment, now let your doc guide you.
xx
I am just coming out of a depression, so that knowing you’re acting crazy, but unable to shake it feeling is SO familiar to me.
I suffered from chronic acne in my early teens, along with weight issues, and I still live with the damage it did to my self esteem and my view of my self and my worth.
I’m not sure what I could say to make you feel any better, other than you are not alone and you will make it through to the other side.
Also, other than being one of the sweetest and all round nicest people I’ve met online or IRL; you are also most definitely one of the most beautiful.
Sending all the love xxx
I definitely have these days – I think most people do! It’s only natural to feel like this and some days are worse than others! Sending you strength my friend x
I think everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. I went through this,the depression, the insecurity, even the acne at one point,from the age of about 15 to 26 . For various reasons. Child abuse,mother afflicted with cancer,father throwing me and my siblings out of the house and me having to look after the 3 of them at 21…eventually all the tragedies made me expect the worst .but then I decided not to base my happiness on anything or anyone. I learnt to strengthen my faith and love myself. Truly love myself and the last few years that has made me the happiest person. It makes me look forward to the future despite what the past had wrought upon my soul.Dig deep.And find that place of reason within yourself, why you do the things you do.What your mission in life is.Learn to give yourself a break.Love the woman you are.And roaccutane works!You’ll be fine. Coz you’re amazing, sometimes stuff just gets too much. That’s when you know that you need a break. A mini holiday.for YOURSELF.
The drugs you are taking for your skin are having an adverse effect on your mood. Stop them. It is not worth going crazy over (trust me, been there done that …). I don’t know what the problem is with your skin, however it doesn’t sound good the way you are now, with the drugs. What really helped me with a problem patch on my skin was doing coconut oil-pulling. Google it. It sounds disgusting but it really works — from the inside out. You don’t even have to put the oil on your skin to have it work. Try it ! Don’t take the chemical drugs. It’s not worth the messed up mood. Good luck and all the best, it’s not nice feeling out of sorts.
Hope you find a solution….
I’d like to say GO EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE but perhaps thats not the best advice for this situation:) Another visit to the doc sounds like the best option! Good luck Cindy, you are a beautiful mama, it shows in your kiddies xxx
[…] and who wants to hear about that? BUT the good news is that I feel like I am slowly starting to come back to myself and I couldn’t be […]