Getting To Know Myself Again

Somewhere in the last couple of months, I lost myself.

I don’t know how it happened.

It’s not that “the lady in the phone” (as the kids call the Google Maps woman) gave me the incorrect directions and we found ourselves lost in the wilderness.  Or that I started sleep walking or something.  It’s just that slowly but surely I’ve felt my “self” slipping away from, uh, myself.

It was subtle at first.  So I didn’t even notice.

Losing interest in things that I used to enjoy, pulling away from situations I didn’t have the energy to fix and just generally reacting to things in ways that I never would have before.  I continuously felt overwhelmed, over-committed and on edge.

Anything could set me off.

A conversation that got too personal and accusatory got me so angry that I was shaking.  Hours later I was still silently fuming and in turn shouted at my kids for absolutely no reason except that they were being kids.  (Mom guilt of freaking note – I’m still apologizing for this days later).  Then there’s holding my nephew for the first time, willing myself to stay calm and keep it together, but instead, just letting the tears flow.

I don’t even know guys.  I don’t even know.

Seth would regularly ask me what was up, why I was acting weird and not being me.  I had no answer for him.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, so I had no idea how to fix it.

It’s been something that I have been thinking about a lot.  Honestly, I know that this could be attributed to the side effects of the Roaccutane, but I’m not convinced.  I guess if I had to break it down, I’d say that I was so busy trying to be everything to everyone, that I forgot who I am to me.

Who am I even?

Well…  this is me.  According to this personality test it is anyway.

I know what you’re thinking…

When Seth emailed it to me, I laughed, then I Whatsapped him to ask if someone had hacked his Gmail.  I mean why would he be sending this to me?  These things are just a bunch of crap anyway, how could answering a few questions really tell you about who you are as a person?  It’s not possible.  It’s like those Facebook things telling you which Disney Princess you are…

But it did it and then I was totally floored by the results.

*For the record – this is Seths personality and is also incredibly true.

I sent it to Seth and we both agreed that it was so freaking accurate that it was actually a little bit creepy.

How did this help me find me?

Well, it’s funny how you can know who you are, but then in your effort to do more than just survive in this World you end up losing sight of it all.  You compromise and do things out of your skill set that actually make you unhappy, you invest too much time in unimportant things and too little time to what counts.  I was accumulating negative feelings and becoming resentful.

Maybe it won’t help you at all but it was comforting to me to be reminded in a weirdly creepy way (considering that this was just generated by a computer) what I needed to feel peaceful.  I keep thinking I don’t need a stupid test to tell me this, I should know it already, but I was so far gone that I lost sight of it.

It was refreshing to see what my strengths and weaknesses are and instead of saying “no that’s not me” – actually owning them.  Yes that is me, that is what I do.  That is how I react.

Look this might not be some crazy revelation of amazingness for you.  It may not change anything in your life.  But it has done mine, so I’m just spreading a little bit of the love.  In case you’ve been wondering.

I’d love to know what your personality type is?  And whether you found this to be true to you or not?

Like what you’ve read here?  That’s flipping awesome – feel free to share it with your friends.  Also come hang out with me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram where you can find us a whole lot of this – just shorter.  We share the normal things that life throws at us that aren’t edited and well thought out – just moments as they happen.

~*~

Some extra things that stood out for me, that resonate so much that it feels like they literally did a case study of my life…

ISFJs have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations – any situation is still an interaction between two people, after all – and any negativity from conflict or criticism can carry over from their professional to their personal lives, and back again.

People with the ISFJ personality type are private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal. Much in the way that ISFJs protect others’ feelings, they must protect their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration.

Home is where the heart is for people with the ISFJ personality type, and in no other area of their lives do they strive with such dedication to create the harmony and beauty they wish to see in the world.

While not always obvious to others, this river of emotion can’t be taken lightly or for granted – ISFJ personalities can value the idea of committed romance almost as highly as some regard religious beliefs.

If their partners aren’t willing or able to express this thanks, or worse still are openly critical of their ISFJ partners, they will find that, given time and pressure, all of those repressed emotions can burst forth in massive verbal attacks that all the future regret in the world won’t blunt.

ISFJs need a lot of positive feedback, and admitting this need certainly shows vulnerability, but if that vulnerability is well handled, it creates the deep bonds that ISFJ personalities look for.

ISFJs’ warmth and care make parenting something that often comes naturally to them. Many people with this personality type feel like parenting is the task they were born for, taking no small pleasure in the sense of personal importance and responsibility they feel in ensuring that their children grow up to be healthy, confident and successful.