Is it weird that I talk about our marriage so much? Maybe it is.
Look, I know some things should just stay off the web. Possibly things like worrying about having sexy time in the camper. But I figure if we go through up’s and down’s and have to rethink how we approach different phases of our lives, then maybe y’all need to too.
I heard about a marriage counsellor that said that he’s had 7 marriages. But with the same woman. And that’s because with each phase of life comes a new approach to the marriage you have. Engaged and excited about new life together. Newly married and adapting to life together. The phase of newborn babies and a tiredness you’ve never known, the list obvs goes on. So maybe it’s worth talking about even if it can be a bit awks. Because the intricacies of marriage are a bit awks sometimes.
However it’s important to note that though you may catch me talking about some weird things, you won’t catch me talking in a way that’s going to break down our relationship, but rather in a way that’s going to make it stronger. More intentional. I really don’t believe in talking negatively about our partners to our friends or in public (i.e. social media – the breeding ground of negativity and discontent). I know it can be tempting as hell to do it when they grate your cheese, but it’s not helpful to you or your relationship, so maybe cut that out. Or don’t. I’m not telling you what to do. Except I am, so cut it out.
Wow, I have completely digressed. As usual.
What I really wanted to talk about is staying in touch with our partners
Not in the sense of connecting on the daily with actual words said to each other about life – although I have spoken about that too, it’s important yo. Or even regular date nights were you get to chat about things other than the kids routine or whatever. Although there is a very real sense of deception that “date night” brings out. It’s never all candle light dinners, sweet murmurings of everything you love about it each other and intense bed rocking. No bra, it’s more like finding food in your hair while you grab a quick bite before the movie that you’ve wanted to see. Which one of you falls asleep in.
I mean staying in actual touch, touch.
So a while ago I wrote about how annoyed I was that all the books I read are about brand new romance. The intense feelings and emotions that go with getting to know each other. That all the books I read about long term relationships basically end with one of them dying in a really traumatic, sobfest kind of way. There doesn’t seem to be an in-between.
In fact I saw a tweet about this a little while back and even though I searched for it, I couldn’t find it. It was something like…
Young adult book idea: Married with three kids living their best life.
Young adults – HELL NO
New idea: Young girl falls in love with unlikely hero, have to go through intense life change – fall deeply in love.
Young adults – YES PLEASE
It was something like that although the original writer actually articulated it like a funny person and not how I have butchered it there. But the thing is, it’s true.
No one wants to read about successful, happy relationships. I just proved that to myself when I read A Court Of Frost and Starlight. Unlike the three books before it, it was just about happy life and I was so underwhelmed I almost threw it away. I got the happy that I wanted and realised I didn’t want it. Not in book form anyway. Real life yes, obvs. But not in the books I read.
BUT here’s what I did realise… (I actually have a point here)
All of the three preceding books were all about that new romance. At first I wanted to vom in my mouth at some of it because it was just so over the top. But then I realised it wasn’t. That really was how it was early on in our relationship too. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We want to touch each other all the time. Hold hands, kiss for no reason, snuggle on the couch. Guys I even regularly fell asleep curled up in his arms (I couldn’t do that now if you paid me). We literally could not be separate for longer than we had to be.
However over time that changes right?
I think three kids hanging onto me all day every day for the last NINE years contributed to this, but I don’t really enjoy being touched anymore. Does that sound weird? Whatevs. It’s how I feel. And I’m a bit weird so it’s OK. I don’t feel the need to touch or be touched in anyway, from hugs to holding hands or anything really. In fact when someone tries to hug me when I’m not ready I actually feel violated. Even Seth or my kids. Like, just appreciate my bubble people!
What I realised recently through reading these books, is that just because we have been together for so long, it doesn’t mean we have to chill on the touchy feely front. Because even though it’s not important for me, it’s hella important for my man. He thrives on touch. Having kids has not dampened this. At all. And I’m sure that you may have a similar situation with your man.
And I’ve known this for years. But I’ve done nothing about it because I’m a selfish asshole.
Until now though. I’ve started trying to reignite that part of me. The part that wants to have a random snuggle. Or a sneaky smooch. Or even just holding hands while walking along or drive in the car. Touch, touch, touch.
It was a bit of an experiment if I’m honest. Just to see what would happen. I thought it wouldn’t do anything. But guys…
I’m loving it. It’s actually so great to have that physical connection as well as the mental, emotional and situational one that we already have. And really it wasn’t even about Seth. Not really. I knew he would love it (and that’s been very clear). But it was about me. I wanted to change the way that I feel. And I feel so much closer to Seth and I can see that he appreciates the fact that I am trying. It’s not like I was unhappy before, but this has opened up feelings that I have forgotten. And it’s flipping great.
So what am I getting at?
I don’t know where you guys are at in your relationship. Whether you’re still being puked on at all times of the day and you fall into bed every night before passing out. If you’ve got teenagers telling you that it’s gross to smooch in front of them. If you are so busy at work that you are passing like ships in the night. But wherever you are, maybe it’s worth sneaking in a little smooch, an unexpectedly long hug, a holding of hands when you’d usually just sit next to each other.
Let me tell you, it’s so worth it.
18 comments
This is a really great post. It reminded me how much touch is important for my man. Lately I have been avoiding touch because by the end of the day I’m touched out from carrying and holding out baby, or just being patted by the baby etc. Cindy, your post has challenged me to be more intentional in thinking about touch in my marriage again – thank you.
Oh man, I’m so glad that it could help. And good luck in getting all touchy feely again 😉
Love this post 🙂 I’ve been toying with the idea of blogging about our marriage and a realisation that I had last night regarding it, but I’m not sure if it’s actually going to help anybody or shed any light on anything for anybody. Also, I’ll need to write about it very carefully i.e. not “airing our dirty laundry” and all I can think about is a post I wrote many years ago…my mum called me IMMEDIATELY to tell me to take it off because I shouldn’t be speaking about my husband like that for everybody to read. At the time, my sister-in-law managed to read it before I actually removed it (because of course I listened to my mum!!) and she said she saw nothing wrong with it. That incident has always made me aware of what I say about my marriage. I like what you’ve said though, perhaps I should try it 🙂
So the rule of thumb that I have is that I generally run the idea by Seth first. And I don’t talk about anything we are currently struggling with, only things we’ve resolved. Because doing it while you in it is going to end badly, plus, there’s no value in it for anyone reading, how you got through it is important. If that makes sense. But totally, choosing your words carefully is important.
Preach! Yoh marriage is a lot of work and, even though everyone is at a different stage, no matter what stage that is the work pays off tenfold! Also, ‘worrying about having sexy time in the camper’ – *giggles*!
I hear you – it’s work at any stage. And sometimes we forget that and things start falling apart. But yay for us having it mostly on track 🙂
This is great advice Cindy; the little thing we take for granted. Anyway, years ago I used to read Karen Kingsbury series of books. It’s on family and relationships and it shares how the marriages or relationships evolves. Thought I’d mention those books to you. It’s like 7th Heaven kind of vibes (that TV series).
Interesting – I may have to get my hands on those books!!
Cindy, I so feel you on the “touch” vibe. After reading the Five Love Languages, it totally shed light on how differently Jeremy and I express love and receive it. For him, touch takes up all top 5 spots whereas touch is spot number 92 for me (give me a hug, and I’ll be good to go for the next year. Haha!). Your post is encouraging cos despite us being in a good, familiar place in our marriage, it’s a nice reminder (for me , at least) to keep being intentional how you relate to one another. Even if it’s something that’s uncomfortable and doesn’t come naturally, it definitely speaks volumes for the other person. Thanks for that! 🙂
We also did that 5 Love Languages test a few times and had the same results. I wonder why it is like that, that most women don’t do the touch vibe after that initial romance period. Weird.
I love this. Daniel and I have only been married for almost 5 years, but we’ve been together for closing in on 12 years now. That touch thing really is so important. What I love about it is that the more you physically touch each other, it starts to spill over into other aspects. At first you’re holding hands and suddenly you’re snuggled up on the couch having an in-depth conversation that you may otherwise have avoided. It’s all connected.
Also, I think it’s really important for kids to see their parents holding hands, enjoying little kisses etc. Even if they think it’s gross, it cements in their minds that being close to the ones you love is important. At least, that’s what it did for me whenever I spotted my dad grabbing a quick kiss from my (non-touchy) mom. 🙂
Totally agree!! Our kids may be grossed out a bit but I think it helps to reinforce that we do love each other and that’s not going to change. And I love that point, it does spill over into having those awkward conversations. I think the touch just helps you feel even more connected and in touch, literally and figuratively.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I thought I was alone. I feel exactly the same way and your post just made me realise that I need make that effort. More for me than for him. After more than 10 years together I’ve just become more to myself. I am now going to make that conscious effort to be more touchy.
Good luck!! It’s not necessarily easy but it’s worth it!! Here’s to get all touchy feely 🙂
I would never have guessed you have a space/bubble issue! Thanks for sharing the importance to making an effort in a marriage and doing the “experiment” that encourages us all to try something different for ourselves.
Really? That’s funny – but now that I think of it, I think others obvs don’t know this either which is why they are always all up in my face haha
I smiled the whole way through this blog. I love the way you write, you are funny and honest and I love that. I will be one of the first people to buy your book – is that on the cards?
Ah bless you, no, I doubt I’d ever write a book, but who knows what the future holds 😉